Winning, Losing but Playing the Game...

Now the hard part isn't the acting, it's the talking about the acting. I guess it's something I'm going to have to work on because I'll be doing it a lot next year. So here goes...

I don't really have a name for what we were doing, or really for anything that happens when acting. That's always the problem. You need words that simply do not exist in the english language. But that's part of the fun. Doing something that is indescribable, something that stretches beyond the reach of language, something that can only be understood in your gut, that's what I love most. 

What boggles my mind is that I can do it, even though I don't know what I'm doing. It makes sense but I don't understand it. A few years ago I couldn't do it all, and I have no idea how, why, or when that changed. Which is scary, because if it suddenly happened, with out my even trying, then maybe it's a fluke. Every time I get up there, I have no idea what I'm doing, and yet it always works out. But if I don't know what I'm doing, who's to say that one day it will just stop working. Maybe I'm just getting lucky and one day I'll stop getting lucky. That's also what makes it so exciting though. If you knew what was going to happen every time, then what would push you to do it? It's the curiosity and the wonder that drives me.

"Just do it". That's the process. I like that and hate that all at the same time. Sometimes I wish I could be a physicist or a historian where there's formulas and facts and concrete answers. But of course, where's the fun in that? It would be horribly boring. Though, here I am trying to blog about the process and all I seem to be doing is babbling. Here's why I can't talk about it: This stuff is all about getting out of your head and focusing on the other person. It's almost like the "acting" happens in the space between you and your partner, and then all the good stuff just happens inside of you by accident. Really good acting is being in the moment, not observing yourself, not judging, simply being present. So if that's all working correctly, how can you reflect about that experience? Words are formed in your head - language precedes thought - but if you're not in you're head while acting (which is good), then you can't talk about it, right (which is a problem)? I guess I kind of am talking about, in a a round about way, but maybe not saying anything coherent? I guess I expect that I should be able to sit down at my computer after a good exercise and write down step by step what I did so I can have it for future reference. I want to be able to write down, in words, the answer or the key. Sadly though, this is an unrealistic expectation. That's what stops be from blogging most of the time. I feel like there's something I should be saying and I'm not quite there, so I don't say anything at all. "You're saying it wrong"... I tell myself. It's silly. Still, I wish my reflections could match the experience. But then if they did, why actually do it? It takes less energy to talk about it. But who wants to simply listen to a bunch of people talking about acting. I'd rather watch a movie.

On being a puppet...

After learning for 4 years that there is no such thing as "becoming the character" in acting, today, I became a puppet. What? Does that contradict everything? I think so, but not really...

It's sort of like an out of body experience. A little like meditation. Or free association. The difference is you don't think. Which is liberating, relieving, and a little scary. The notion that you can think like someone else and believe you are someone else is still false. However the limits of the imagination have been proven to stretch much further than originally thought. That's a wonderful thing when considering acting. If you're imagination can extend so far as to be able to give life to an inanimate object, doing the same for a character in a script should be quite possible. The problem of "Well, I've never been in that situation" or "How can I relate to that?" disappear. We can rely on our imaginations much more than we do. 

The idea of putting a mask on is interesting. What is a mask? It is something to hide behind. It takes away your identity and replaces it with something else. There is no reason to fear because you don't have to take the responsibility (it's like the de-individuation principle in Psychology). That's the true gift the puppets give. Lack of fear. If you say or do something that's bad, inappropriate, stupid, or weird you can simply blame the puppet. 

Each puppet  possessed certain characteristics that none of us seemed to be able to control. Pieces of newspaper, paper mache, and paint had personalities. That got me thinking about the importance of costume. If simple materials can communicate such dynamic characteristics, than a costume that accurately represents your character is vital - and almost impossible to perform without. My friends and I always marvel at the fact that when we're wearing a flattering leotard and our hair is neat in a beautiful bun, we can suddenly do perfect triple pirouettes and our extension is 15 degrees higher. Well, it's because we're dressed the part. Acting is no different.  

Uta Hagen: Some thoughts...

As I come to an end of Uta Hagen's respect for acting, I am very pleased. This was a book I wanted to attempt/ conquer for about 2 years now. I am happy I finally sucked it up and "just" read it. Although it was a lot smaller of a mountain than I had thought, I feel a clearer head and a calmer stomach. 

Right now, I'm not in an acting class or in rehearsals (which will soon change! I will be in a student production of an original musical come May), so it is difficult to apply the concepts and exercises just yet. It's hard to say, but I truly have no prediction of whether or not they will work for me. Some of them seem almost fool proof, while others seem like they will chain me down, make my head spin, and cause me to sweat profusely (and not while I'm trying to access a sense memory of heat if you know what I mean). Although she constantly talks about getting out of your head and into your body, I think some of these exercises might do the exact opposite. It's silly though to critique something that I have not even tried yet so I will move on.

It's funny what strikes you. Of all 200 pages there is one thought that excites me and entices me the most. This thought is (to put it simply): you never play a character, you are simply being yourself in different circumstances. This interests me for many reasons. One, I love the idea that "you are more interesting than any character". For a while there I was convinced it was the opposite way around. I often view myself as boring, simple, and predictable. So yes, this realization is ego boosting, but also empowering. Which brings me to my second point. With the understanding of this idea comes a new understanding of what acting is. If you are not playing a part, but being yourself (a living, breathing, real human being) than acting is so much make believe, as it is being. Your stage life (as Uta calls it) can and should be just as real as your real life (with some exceptions of course). 

This way of viewing acting is much more interesting and exciting. Why be some one else, pretending to feel and experience, when you can be yourself, going on wonderful journey's every single night. 

It is also breaks down any boundaries. A character lives on the page. They are made up of the words of the playwright. The character needs the script to define themselves. But you? You are a human being. Your existence is existential (is that redundant?). You don't need anything to define you. Everything defines you. I'd rather see the latter on stage. 

That's all for now. I'm not sure where this book will take me, but again, I'm happy I read it. 

A day in the life...

 This is Sabrina

 She loves her hair...

...And her tail

But she really hates her hands!

And this is her life:

 Sabrina making tuna fish

 Sabrina having some salt water taffy

 Sabrina practicing for an audition

 Looks like Sabrina needs a new pair of pointe shoes...

 Sabrina getting some reading done

 Sabrina taking an important call

 Sabrina hanging out with her good friend, Annie

 Sabrina getting some shut-eye

Sabrina showing off the scarf she knit!

The Art Life (cont'd)...

How to live a better life, be a better artist, and get happy:

1.  Approach everything with a sense of joy. Whether it’s cleaning your room, going to rehearsal, or working out at the gym. We always focus on the negative – we don’t want to do it, we’re tired, it’s stupid, you’d rather be doing something else etc. We never focus on the positive. There truly is joy in everything. Instead of sighing and trudging through you daily activities, take a deep breath and dive in… and find the joy. Let’s take cleaning your room for instance. No on likes cleaning their room. I think that’s a fact. But if instead of focusing on how annoying this task is, you focus on how good it will feel to have a clean and pretty room… there you go! You just found some joy! To learn to live your life with the cup half full is a difficult feat – but it makes life so much more enjoyable. Erase the phrases “I don’t”, “I can’t”, and “Ughh” from your vocabulary. Replace them with “I have”, “I will”, “I can” and “Yay!”. Last but not least, smile.

2.  Don’t let fear stop you. The best things happen between the intersection of “I’m scared s***less” and “I can’t do this”. Like I said before we always focus on the negative. We use fear as an excuse but it really should be a motivator. The whole idea that fear paralyzes is a load of BS. Fear causes a flight or fight response. Our heart starts pumping, we sweat, we’re filled with adrenaline… sounds like a perfect condition to create something amazing. I can’t really tell you how to conquer your fears. All I know is that you have to… Wait. Let me rephrase that. I don’t think you can conquer your fears. We’re always going to be afraid of something. But, the key is to accept them, not fight them. Learn to live with them and use them to your advantage. 

3.  Gratitude. In your work or in your life – as an artist or as a person (well it’s really all the same thing), you have to be thankful. No matter how bad things are, we all are so incredibly lucky, and we don’t even know it. This will sound corny (I’m sorry), but we’re a live. Life is a gift. If nothing else be thankful for that.

A part of this is happens to be… Stop complaining! We all do it. And I’ll admit it’s fun. But it’s the most toxic thing we can engage in. Wallowing in our own self-pity is never healthy. We don’t come to any solutions and nothing gets done.

4.  Last but not least – Just do it! We think way too much. Do you ever wonder why dreaming is enjoyable? I think it’s because we don’t think. We’re creating stories in our heads but we’re not worrying if they make sense, if they’re funny enough, if it’s stupid. You just let the ideas flow. Turning off your brain and all the second-guessing and judgment that comes with it will make everything a lot easier. Just do it, but better yet, just don’t think while you’re doing it.

The Art Life...

This is interesting and I want it all in one place. 

Why do I (Sabrina Kalman) create Art?

            I create art because I am afraid… I’m almost 18 years old. I’m in the prime of my youth. I have my whole life ahead of me. So, it might surprise you that I think about dying… a lot. Well, at least more than average. Whenever the topic of death fights its way to the forefront of my consciousness, it is always accompanied by fear. I am afraid of dying. I am afraid of dying with regret. I’m afraid of dying, and then being forgotten. Acting is the way I cope with this fear. I am so lucky. I have found something that I love. Something that I want to do for the rest of my life. Something that I’m meant to do. And the only thing that would stop me from acting… is fear. And by the same token, fear is what keeps me going. The fear of regret seems to beat out the fear of failure every time, and so I continue to step onto the stage, succumbing to and overcoming my fear. Because as much as I know the life of an actor is hard, I know the life of a regretter is even harder.

            My fear of being forgotten, though not as prevalent as my fear of regret, still drives me forward. I don’t want to be average; just another white Jewish girl from Long Island. I want to be special. I dream of changing lives and leaving my mark on the world… and not because of my ego (which of course, all us artists have), but because of my fear. I want to lead a life that has meaning and purpose. If I don’t, I’m just a waste of space… and that scares me.

           

I create art because I am curious… Nothing makes sense. The world. My life. Myself. I don’t really understand the way any of it works; but I want to. So I act, because somehow it helps me figure it out. Acting gives you a small slice of reality to deal with at a time. It’s contained and exposed, so it’s a lot easier to understand than life. With every part, you figure out a little bit more. Like I said, I don’t understand anything, but I would understand a whole lot less if I didn’t act.  

            I create art because I am bored… Life (or my life at least) is very uneventful. Acting gives my life some well-needed excitement. I know they say you are more interesting than any character (and I agree). But often times, a script is much more interesting than your life. It’s not like I’m bored to tears with my own life; I like my life. But it’s very ordinary, and sometimes I just need an escape to the extraordinary. I guess I act for the same reasons that little kids play pretend. Sometimes reality just isn’t as much fun.  

            And of course… I create art because I have to. It’s as simple as that.

What are my (Sabrina Kalman) influences?

First I have to split “Influences” into two categories: People I know and People I don’t know.

Let’s start with People I don’t know. When thinking of what Influences me 2 things come to mind… Harry Potter and Friends. So much of what I do, as an artist, and as a person, comes back to one amazing series and wonderful sitcom. They are two sources of entertainment that I have been exposed to the longest. I have watched Harry Potter (1 thru 7) more than any other Movie, and I’ve seen every single Friends episode more than any other T.V. show. Naturally, after such intense exposure for such a prolonged period of time, they are bound to influence me.

As a human being, I pretty much measure myself and everything I do against Harry Potter. Running the risk of sounding a little too crazy obsessed I will make this analogy: If this book series is like my religion, then Harry Potter is like Jesus. My motto is “What would Harry do?”. I measure my morals, values, actions, thoughts, opinions, and character against him… literally everything. Whenever I begin to think that I’m a “not-so-good” human being (which worries me from time to time) I remember this, “We both have light and dark in us, what matters is the path we choose to act on.” Then I feel better. Because if Harry, the hero, can have flaws, then so can I. Whenever I’m having a bad day, or a crappy week, or the most awful month imaginable, I remember Harry Potter and what he went through. If he can defeat Voldemort and save all of man-wizard kind, then I can definitely get into college (or whatever it is that is getting me down). I feel the need to acknowledge that I understand Harry Potter is not a real person, but a fictional chacaracter. Yet in all seriousness, I think he’s the best role model I could ask for.

To keep going with this analogy, J.K. Rowling is like God. As an artist, if every I am scared, confused, discouraged, or lazy, all I need is to think of her. To put it simply, she is amazing. She over came every obstacle, every bump in the road, every brick wall… and the end result? Writing the best book series ever (yes, that is fact). Whenever I am lazy, I remember how hard she worked. Whenever I am scared, I remember that she was living in her car, unemployed, writing the first words of Harry Potter on a napkin. Whenever I am discouraged, feeling as though I should just give up, I remember she got rejected from 7 publishing companies. If J.K. Rowling is good enough to get rejected, then so am I. And just like those publishing companies, those 5 colleges will one day regret their decision.

As an actress, no one influences me more than Jen, Courtney, Matt, Mathew, and David (yes we are on first name basis). They aren’t necessarily the best or my favorites of all time, but they are my most influential teachers. Their acting is superb; I don’t think anyone would argue that it isn’t one of the most well acted T.V. shows... ever. They’re so funny, charming, likeable, and truthful. Everything I want to be. So I watched and I watched and I watched – absorbing everything. How do they say their lines? How do they move? How do they look when they’re not speaking? Every night at 11 pm on channel 33 I tune in to my own personal master class. I’ll even admit this, although slightly embarrassing, has helped me a great deal: I’ll watch a scene, memorize the lines, and then recite them, trying to mimic them exactly. It’s taught me a lot. And whenever I’m in a scene and something is troubling me. A line isn’t coming out right, or I can’t quit get the timing on something; I try to do it like them. It’s like having a library of acting tips in my head at all times, because I’ve literally memorized every single moment of every single episode. It’s funny; when I watch myself I’ll see Jen-isms, or Mathew-looks popping out here and there. And I couldn’t be happier.

Now, for people I know, my most prevalent influence is my sister. My work ethic, professionalism (hopefully), rehearsal/class etiquette, mental approach to auditioning, etc., is credited to her. I basically copy everything she does, and so far it’s worked out pretty good for both of us.

Uta Hagen Reflection: Substitution

I just have a few quick questions on this chapter...
Is all acting substitution? Is is it possible to act without substitution? I've tried to do this but have I been doing it wrong (I think I have been... I'm not specific enough... or deep enough)? I understand that you do your substitution as research and then forget about it... I totally get that... but at the same time I don't... How does that work??? 

Uta Hagen Reflection: Identity

This chapter was basically written for me. It's everything I try to do; and everything I probably can't do. 
Reading Uta Hagen's book so far is like seeing my own thoughts written out in front of me - in a more coherent and intelligible way.

I'm simply going to make a list, of important things, things to remember, things to work on as so on...:
1. You have to know who you are before you can act (ie. Art Life Motivation thingy)
2. Remember characters are human - they pee, eat, sleep, pick their nose, get colds etc. 
3. Naturalistic acting can also fall into stereotypes/ we try to copy successful natural actors... and when we copy that's representational/ we find the natural in the ordinary (not extraordinary) of our own lives - and who wants to watch ordinary?
4. With natural acting, we try to water down reality so it's believable... sometimes life is unbelievable
5. Who I think I am is NOT who I am - we view ourselves as a constant and static - but we are changing and evolving all the time - we almost have multiple personalities
6. Since your personality is a lot more expansive than we thought, it provides us with a totally competent "warehouse" (or library if you will) of behaviors and characteristics to help us create a real and believable character - we don't really need to use our imaginations too much
7. You have to accept and acknowledge the parts of yourself you don't like (very hard for me - I want to cry just thinking about it)
8. ... that's probably why I have the most trouble playing parts that are similar to me
9. We think we are boring... but we are not! (sometimes I don't believe this...but I should)
10. Note to self: don't be the personality actor! (who plays herself in every part she plays)
11. Our culture sucks because it tells us "don't cry", "don't feel", "hide your emotions".... and then we're suddenly supposed to be vulnerable on stage? That's hard.......
12. A connection to your heritage and history is important ( I don't really have that)
13. Now this is what's troubling me... " If you are affected in you daily life, calculatingly self aware in you relations with others, you will undoubtedly be abad actor, because your attention is narcissistic." I don't know if I'm just being paranoid, but when I read this an alarm went off. What if this is me? And if so, what does that mean for my acting? And most importantly, how do I fix it?

What's cool is I realized I know more about acting than I think I do. There was nothing that she was talking about that I don't already contemplate, strive for, or understand. But at the same token ( I don't want to give myself too much credit), I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. Does that make sense?!?!

One thing I have to remeber: a Facebook friend posted this a while ago and it has stuck with me..."Acting is being yourself, while convincing others you are someone else."

Uta Hagen Reflection: Concept

A light bulb has gone off. Acting is being human. The problems we face as actors, we face as human beings. The same goes for theatre and the whole entire world. Acting is the most natural and real profession in existence, which is pretty ironic. But what I love most about this is the power it gives to the theatre. Now I understand exactly what Uda Hagen was talking about. The battle between commercial theatre and the artists theatre. The FIght between money and meaning. Relying on talent and beauty. Laziness. Vanity, self - glorification, and narcissism. Serving yourself instead of serving the audience. These are the pitfalls of the American Theatre. But these are also the pitfalls for America, period. Valuing money above everything else. Viewing success as the ultimate goal. Wanting instant gratification. The list goes on and on. 

So if we can change our theatre, we can change our world - that's amazing. 

My favorite part of the chapter was these two quotes: 
"I want to be the best actor in America!" - basically every young actor (including me) who gets trapped in the pitfalls of vanity and egotism and has yet to learn that there is no best; even if there was it wouldn't be something worth striving for. 

And... "Love the art in yourself, not yourself in the art" - Stanislavsky. This requires no explanation because he is a genius and this just became my favorite quote ever and I might just have to tattoo this down my forearm. 

Although all this is a little too conceptual, I'm really enjoying this. Uda Hagen is the girl for me.

No Man's Land...

Over Thanksgiving break I saw No Man's Land starring Sir Ian McKellen and Sir Patrick Stewart. 
To be completely honest, as much as it pains me to say it, I didn't like the play. It might have been partly because I didn't feel well and partly because I didn't do the proper research before hand, but I simply didn't get it. I think my sister put it very well, "There was nothing active." Nothing really happens. If you asked me to describe the plot- the problem, climax, resolution etc. I couldn't do it. It seemed to have no plot. More importantly however, the character's didn't want anything. Their objectives were not clear and so it was hard to form opinions of them. I wasn't emotionally involved with the characters and so when the play ended, I was confused as to why I had just invested myself for the past 2 hours. Except for the fact that, for two hours, I was graced with the honor of seeing two of the best actors (of our time) perform on the stage. 
Whenever I see a show there is always a part of my brain that goes into note-taking mode. It tries to extract every detail of their performance, analyze it, and then commit it to memory - while the other part of my brain tries to simply watch and enjoy the show of course. In the case of these two actors, there is quit a lot to take notes on, and recounting it all now would take too much time. So I will focus on one particular point that I think is most valuable for me at this moment. 
Movement. I think one of the tell tale signs of an experienced actor is their movement - or lack there of. As an inexperienced actor we often move to much, whether it be our hands, our focus, of heads, or our feet. We do this for several different reasons: 
         1. We have so many ideas and can't decide what to do because we don't make specific enough choices
         2. We wrongly think it adds something to our performance, but it doesn't - moving for the sake of moving just looks silly
         3. We use it as a distraction so we don't truly have to commit ourselves emotionally, because that makes us vulnerable (and we don't like that)

No matter what the reason we are all guilty of it, but I hadn't realized just how detrimental it can be until now. McKellen and Stuart are powerful actors, and their power lies in their stillness. They don't move, they are practically like statues, it's quit the thing to see. Their lack of movement allows you to see them, all of them, with no distractions. They are incredibly vulnerable but that's what makes them so extraordinary. 

One more Big Think...

As we've established I'm not religious and I do not observe Shabbat. But maybe I should? Or at least partake in a "Technology Shabbat". To say that we are addicted to technology, that it has taken over our lives and consumes us 24/7 is an understatement. It's become an extension of ourselves. We have come to believe that we can't live without it. Somehow we have found that connecting with millions of people we don't even know is more important that  connecting with our friends and families (I truly believe Technology can lead to world peace, but that means it's very powerful, and when not used carefully has the potential to do just as much harm as good). So maybe we should all observe a "Technology Shabbat", whether we are jewish or not. If we unplug, take our eyes off the screen, and actually look at what's around us I think we would be a lot happier. I think we would appreciate more. I think we would learn more. I think we would experience our life more. When you really think about, we have traded the real world for a virtual world. Maybe it's because it's safer, maybe it's because it's in our control... I don' know.  But all I know is that the benefit of leaving the virtual world from time to time and reentering the real world is invaluable. I'm going to make a vow to every once and a while stop instagramming my lunch, and actually sit back and enjoy the meal. 

The next Big Think...

The only thing that separates humans from all other animals is our ability to create art. It is our need to communicate. Our hunger to explain. And our overpowering want to connect with others. A humans being purpose isn't to merely survive physically, like most other animals who are driven by a hunger food in order to sustain themselves. We need to feed our minds and our souls, not just our bodies. The meaning of life can very well be simply to survive it, but I don't think humans will ever accept that (even if that's all there is to it). It's our desire to find meaning (even in places where there is no meaning to be found). We want something more. And we get it - at least artists do. Artists embody this human need, hunger, want and desire. It exists in everybody but it's more powerful for us artists. I don't think this makes us more special (although we like to think it does). I think it simply makes us more human. More weak. More imperfect. More vulnerable. More sensitive... the list goes on and on. Because if life is truly about survival, and it's survival of the fittest, than where does that leave us weak, sensitive and vulnerable artists? It leaves us in the studio creating, because that's all that we can be certain of. 

Another Big Think...

Technology gives a voice to billions of people who previously have had none.
I don't know if this sounds entirely too idealistic but I think technology can lead to world peace.
The most important thing in relationship is communication. We, as the human race, are all in a relationship with  each other. In order for this relationship to be a healthy and sustainable one we need to listen, respect, and learn about each other. How can we do this? Technology. Technology allows us to talk to someone half way around the world in a matter of seconds. We can text people in Australia and Skype with people in Japan. Technology connects us like never before. Please excuse my corny metaphor but Technology is a thread than sew up this gaping hole that is tearing our world apart. I don't think humans are innately bad - although watching about 30 seconds of any news show might convince you otherwise. I think our main problem is that we don't listen. We are ignorant, oblivious, and a little self involved. Our most important sense, hearing, is probably the weakest. Sight is much stronger. Hearing about a horrible genocide in Uganda maybe will make us frown for a few seconds and let out a sigh, but it does nothing to truly affect us. However talking with someone who has survived it. Or seeing photos of the dead and wounded victims. THAT affects us like nothing else can. Humans are visual beings. After all, a pictures worth a thousand words. And technology is a medium that allows us to share these "pictures" with the world. 
I think technology can excite passion, compassion, kindness, tolerance, and empathy. And that's the key to world peace- understanding. 

Big Think, again...

Babies are better scientists than adults. That honestly doesn't surprise me. Apparently it's because babies have more neural and synapses connections being formed than adults do. I just think it's because babies are more curious that adults are. Every thing is new for them so everything excites them. They see something that they don't know about and they want to learn more. They have a passion for learning that we loose as we get older. Even as a 17 year old, I merely accept what I don't know. My interest in learning is limited to simply finding out more about what I already know. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing all the time. It means I am always working to get better and improving my skills. But it's also kind of sad. Things that we have no clue about should excite us, but they don't. There are two explanations for this: either humans are scared or lazy. I think it's a little bit of both. I think humans are born as close to perfection as they ever will be. They are pure, clean, and untouched. But as they grown they are tainted and torn and stained. As we grow up we become less and less perfect. Part of this imperfection is our lack of curiosity. Those of us who this doesn't apply to are not more perfect than the next guy, they simply work harder at overcoming it. They don't allow their laziness or fear to get in the way. 
The moral of the story? Don't ever grow up.

Big Think...

Going along with the theme of religion... Who's to say that god exists? Who's to say that he/she doesn't?
How can any one say "I know there is no god". But how can anyone say "I know confidently there is a god". There's no way to prove it and there's no way to disprove. This further proves that religion is a bunch of rubbish but it also proves that you can't truly ride it off. Religion was created to explain why things are the way they are but Religion itself can't be explained. Therefore Religion doesn't really serve it's purpose but at the same time who are we to determine it's purpose if we don't even understand it. When I think about this Big Think by head hurts. There's no answer. It's a circle. How do you prove or disprove something that has no proof. You either have to blindly believe or blindly reject. Either way, you're blind, and that doesn't sound too good to me. That's just one more reason that I choose art. Honestly I wish I could believe in god. To believe so fully and whole heartedly is admirable. I am envious of those who have such faith without the need of evidence or proof. But I can't be like that. I can't be blind. Which is why art is my religion. Like I said before, I need something to believe in, and it can't be religion. Despite all my problems I have with religion, the main reason I don't choose it is because I don't know what to make of it. Whether this is how god "intended" it or not, I don't know and I don't care. I can't believe in someone who doesn't have the guts to prove their existence (because if this is how god intended it, it seems kind of cowardly if you ask me). Again, this is why I choose art. Artists are the gutsiest people alive. They are brave... they take risks... they have faith (and not in some god, but in themselves). Those are the kind of people who I want to believe in. That's the kind of person I want to be. 

Art is my religion...

Talking about myth got me thinking, I really hate religion. I identify with being jewish but it's the cultural aspect (ie. Hanukkah and the food) that is important to me, not all the gibber gabber that's in the torah. I think religion has admirable intentions but it does more harm than good. Instead of promoting love it promotes hate. It's a tool that simply doesn't work. It's a machine that will lead to the destruction of the human race. I just think we tried, but it's time to give up. I also don't believe in god. Don't get me wrong I consider myself to be a very spiritual person. I believe in a higher power, just not in the god that religion presents to us. 

In class we talked about the purpose of myth and religion. Why do we have it? It was created to explain things that can't be explained with simple logic and reasoning. It's meant to give us comfort and remind us that we're not alone. It shows us other people who have gone through the same things that we are going through and have gotten through it. It gives us hope. It warns us of what can become of us if we make the wrong decisions and do bad things. It teaches us lessons. 
This sounds oddly familiar. It sounds like a movie. Movie's essentially serve the same purpose as religion. They comfort, inspire, and teach us. I've decided that since I hate religion, I need something else to believe in. I choose movies. My religion is movies. And my favorite characters are like my version of god.  Actually I think they're better than god. Unlike god, they are not these all powerful beings that have no basis in reality or proof of existence (or instill fear to get you to do good things). Instead, they are real people, who you know don't really exist, but inspire you anyway. They relate to you and teach you how and why you should do good things. They are much more relevant and useful than god is. 
This got me thinking which characters would I file under this category. Harry Potter was the first that came to mind. I would much rather believe in Harry Potter than some old guy who lives in the sky, has a beard and wears a robe and sandals. Like I said before, it's more useful to believe in Harry Potter. He's a person who has struggled, experienced pain, doubted, suffered, persevered, fought, and survived. God on the other hand is this all powerful being who can do pretty much anything with the snap of his fingers. In my opinion he doesn't have much to offer me. Harry is a much better role model. He's an inspiration. He's someone I can really learn from. 
Of course this doesn't only apply to Harry Potter and it most certainly doesn't only apply to movies. Dance is my religion. Music is my religion. Books are my religion. To put it simply, Art is my religion. Art is about explaining things that can not be explained with words. It's about reaching out and touching people. It inspires, it gives hope, it teaches us, it comforts us. Most importantly though, it's about creating... making this world into something beautiful. It's the same as religion but better. Because religion celebrates what god has created. Art celebrates what we have created, and that's definitely something I want to believe in. 

Shakespeare...

The two most important things I learned at the Workshop? 
1. Shakespeare can be fun (and silly and crazy)
2. How to spell Shakespeare

I think I'm in the minority of High School students who actually like Shakespeare. Though my knowledge is limited (I've only read 4 plays). So I was very excited to hear that we were having a Shakespeare workshop. Acting in a Shakespeare play is definitely on my bucket list. I've never done it (which I think is okay considering I'm only 17) but I've always wanted to. 
The workshop definitely met my expectations. I loved it. A lot of times workshops are challenging and serious (which isn't a bad thing), but this was just really fun (along with being challenging of course). I knew I would enjoy myself but I was surprised at how fun this was. I had this idea of Shakespeare being deep and complicated. I always thought that acting Shakespeare would be really serious and would take lots of analyzing and work and focus and seriousness. And I think this can be true. But, what I learned on Thursday was that Shakespeare is just Shakespeare. It has this big bad reputation but acting it is just like acting anything else. Yes, no matter how you slice it Shakespeare is hard, but it doesn't mean it  can't be fun, silly, crazy, and quit frankly, simple. At the workshop I learned just how fun, silly, crazy, and simple it can be. 

We started with looking through our sonnets and picking out our favorite words. Next we closed our eyes, and imagined what each word would look like (fun). Then we put actions and sounds to each word (silly). Lastly, we performed our sonnets while doing these actions (crazy). And it surprisingly worked (simple). I went first (going along with my theme of how much I've grown, I was proud of myself for just jumping in- and it wasn't that scary- which was really cool). I did the monologue with the actions for the class. Although it felt a little strange, it wasn't scary and it wasn't hard. It was just like what we do with any other monologue (physical action subtext). It didn't take a lot of thinking. It didn't take a lot of analyzing. It was just Shakespeare. 

I'm glad I cleared up this misconception and I can't wait for our next workshop.
Most importantly though, I'm glad that I can finally spell Shakespeare. 

A pill...

Last week I had a breakthrough: I swallowed a pill with water. 

I was in school and suddenly a huge throbbing headache overcame me. I needed to take Advil to lessen the excruciating pain but I had a problem... there was no applesauce. Yes, I was 17 years old and I needed to put a pill in apple sauce in order to swallow it. I was afraid of swallowing a pill with water because after all I could choke and die. But when I say I had a headache that is an understatement. My head had never hurt so badly in my life. I knew despite my lack of apple sauce I needed to take this pill. I had two options: I could either risk taking the pill with water and possibly die, or I could not take the pill and definitely die (from my head exploding in pain). I chose the first option. So with a deep breath, I put the pill on my tongue and took a big gulp of water. And what happened? It worked. I didn't die. And my head felt better. I realized that I've swallowed pills a million times, the only difference was that  apple sauce hid it. So I was essentially afraid of doing something that I've already done.  My fear was totally illogical. It was all in my head. 

This ridiculous metaphor represents an important lesson I've learned this quarter. This lesson is that my fear is all in my head. In other words, I'm afraid of things that just aren't worth being afraid of (ie. I'm afraid of problems that don't exist). I think a problem I have is I under estimate myself. I think I can do a lot more than I think I can do. No. I KNOW I can do a lot more than I think I can do. I'm not saying I don't believe in myself (because I do), but... How should I put this? I don't "think" in myself. To put this in terms that actually make sense: I  know in my heart that I can do it but in my head there are always a billion doubts. As much as I believe in myself I doubt myself just as much. So this year will be about continuing to believe in myself but learning to doubt myself less. Because self doubt is the worst thing you can possibly allow yourself to partake in. 

Deformed Baby...

The whole process of creating and filming was really fun but the process of editing and showing was what really taught me something (because it was all new). I've never edited a movie before and it was definitely an interesting experience. It's a love - hate relationship. It was torture but I enjoyed it. Editing a 5 minute movie took probably about 15 hours. I think this was partly because of my lack of skill and partly because editing is really hard. I learned a lot editing this movie and my skills definitely improved. But the most important thing I learned is how hard it is (which I already knew but I had know idea just how hard). Who knew that editing 30 seconds could take 2 hours? Who knew that by either including or cutting .5 seconds of the shot could totally change the flow of the sequence? Who knew that the music can either make or break the whole movie? Who knew just how many decisions you have to make? This experience totally revolutionized the way I think of movie making. Before, when thinking about how a movie is made the first words that come to mind are directors and actors. Then writers, producers, costume and set designers, camera men, composers, advertising committees... but way way way down the list was editors. Now I know that these people belong at the very top. Yes the story is the story and the shots are the shots but how a movie is edited can totally transform it. The editors are perhaps the most powerful and influential people working on a film. As I edited the movie, I shaped it, and that was a really cool experience. I knew that if any other person in my group were to edit the same shots it would look totally different. Not better or worse, just different. And that fascinates me. It's amazing how 5 people, who all took part in creating it,  and know the movie like the back of their hands could have such different views on how it should look. I knew that with every cut I was making a decision that the members of my group perhaps would not agree with. But this made it exciting. And then when I showed the final cut to my group and they liked it, this made it very rewarding. All those 15 hours really paid off. At this point, the movie looked like a brand new beautiful baby. 

Then when it was time to show the movie to the class, something happened. Our happy little beautiful baby lost an arm, grew a sixth finger, and got all pale. Our baby had become deformed. As I was watching I became so critical of everything. Nothing looked as good as it did before and the mistakes might as well have been paused, rewinded, and played over and over again. I found myself wanting to speak up and make excuses for the class. I cringed at each awkward cut and fidgeted when the music didn't match the shot. I just didn't like it as much as I had before. Then something surprising happened: everyone else did. Don't get me wrong they had their critiques (as I suddenly saw their were several plot holes that need to be addressed), but for the most part it was a positive review. However it didn't take away all the things that I now knew needed to be fixed. I learned a very important lesson from this. The importance of an outsiders eye can never be overlooked. Just like you should always have your mom edit your research papers and have your friend approve your outfits, you should always show your community your work. There is only so much you are capable of seeing with your own eyes (after all you are a little biased), so at a certain point the only way anything can get better is from the help of others (whether that other is your friend who plays soccer or is a fellow artist in your community - everybody's opinion is valid). So although I'm usually not afraid to ask for help, this taught me just how important it is. Actually it's not just important, it's essential. 

My Shadow...

A while ago I was watching the Disney Channel (yes I am an avid watcher of the Disney Channel and no I am not ashamed) and I came across something very interesting. Ally (from Austin and Ally - which just so happens to be the worst show to ever exist) was performing a song. I could tell almost immediately that it was a mediocre song and a mediocre performance at best. Then something cool happened. Ally walked over to a white screen and a shadow of a man appeared. The man began to dance, and what did Ally do? She began to dance too. Then she walked over to another white screen and a second dancing shadow appeared. Soon there were 5 shadows on the screen and all were dancing. It was really cool (almost too cool to be on Disney Channel). The cool part wasn't the choreography or the interesting lights, but the shadows themselves. They weren't just in the background they were actually a part of it. Ally wasn't dancing in front of the shadows but with them. What a cool concept right? A tangible thing (Ally), interacting with intangible things (shadows). Though, in the interaction the line between tangible and intangible was blurred. The shadows had a depth and a weight and a texture. They were 3 dimensional. Again, it was really cool. It got me thinking about boundaries. The boundaries between tangible and intangible, concrete and abstract, reality and fantasy. I saw this commercial over a month ago and it has stuck with me. The performance was less than extraordinary but the idea of it really  attached itself to my brain. It's the idea that the boundary between reality and fantasy are a lot smaller than you would think. There's really not so much of a difference other than the way we interpret them. Who's to say that a shadow isn't just as real, or even more so than the thing that produces it. Just because we can't touch something doesn't mean it's fake. Who's to say that the shadows aren't the producers and we are merely the image it creates? I like turning things on their heads like thins. It's like when you think about dreams. What if your dreams were what is real and what you think is your life is actually just  a creation of your subconscious. So this stupid little Disney Channel Commercial made me realize something: you should never merely accept anything in the way it  is supposed to be viewed - even if it seems to make sense. I don't know what I want to do with this yet but I really love the idea of dancing with shadows. Dancing as an art form really inhabits this idea of intangible/tangible, concrete/abstract, reality/fantasy. Other art forms are much more concrete. You either sing the notes of the song or not. You either speak the lines of the script or not. You either paint a stroke on the canvas or not. But with dance it is different. Yes the choreography is the choreography and the steps are the steps but a dancers instrument is their body. Every person's body is different so therefore the choreography will be different on every dancer. There is nothing constant. Like a reoccurring dream, dance is different every time. Even the same dancer can never dance the same piece in the exact same way twice. It always changes. So if it's different every single time than a dance enters that boundary between tangible and intangible, concrete and abstract, fantasy and reality. When you dance you live in that boundary, and that's really cool.