I need to Blog...

You know, I've been busy. Or perhaps I've just been forgetful. Or maybe I've just been lazy. Who knows? 


I haven't been blogging, and I don't really know why. I mean, I like to blog. It's fun, it makes me feel like people are interested in what I have to say (which makes me feel smart and sort of boosts my ego), and it improves my writing (which I really love). And, most of all, when I don't blog, I feel bad. I feel irresponsible. I feel unfulfilled and lazy. I mean, I feel like my blog is a direct reflection of who I am. So, if I don't blog, than what does that say about me? Maybe this thing isn't really as important as I seem to think it is, or maybe it is. I don't know. But it doesn't matter. What matters is that I blog. I need to blog. It's as simple as that. 

I'm only human...

To act is not to act, it's to allow yourself to feel. I never had a problem understanding it, but experiencing, that's a whole other story. Today I got glimpses of what it's like, but it didn't last long. So what was the problem? Well, I figured out my problem last week. "When I begin to actually feel something, I get so excited that before I know it, I'm not feeling it anymore". That is completely, 100% true. Now, here's where it gets confusing. If you change "excited" to "scared", you will arrive at this weeks problem. Today in class, when I would actually start to feel something, it would completely freak me out, and then, guess what would happen? I wouldn't be feeling it anymore. I mean, this week we were working mostly with the emotion of anger, and believe me, no one hates being angry more than I do. So, naturally when I would actually begin to feel angry, I would instinctively recoil from it. Almost like a reflex I can't control. So one week I'm enjoying my emotions too much, and then the next week, I'm not enjoying them enough? It's a little bit of a dilemma. How can I possibly go about fixing a problem that keeps on changing? Well, I don't know. And quite frankly, I don't need to know; I'm not supposed to know. I mean, if I knew everything, I wouldn't be taking this class in the first place (and of course if I knew everything, I wouldn't be human).

Art is not math...

I think it's about time to blog about that amazing trip we had last friday.


Well clearly I've been putting this off, because I really have nothing to say (well, nothing that I can express in words which makes it a little difficult to blog about... maybe I should try interpretive dance?). I mean, Luke says it all the time, there are certain things that just can't be talked about, it's just understood. Which definitely holds true for much of the DADA art we saw, but then for some of it, that doesn't work. It can't be talked about, it really can't be understood, so then what? What am I supposed to do with it then? Well I guess the last thing that's left is emotion. If it can't be talked about, and it can't be understood, then I guess it can only be felt. I don't know about you, but when I'm looking at what is probably a 30 foot statue of a hula dancer, it most definitely makes me feel something. Even if it's only confusion, it gets a reaction out of me doesn't it? It makes me feel something. So wait a second, maybe I do get all this DADA art... or maybe I don't. You know what? It doesn't even matter. 


After all, if I could understand art the way I can understand lets say... a math problem, what would be the point?

Step 1...

Step 1: Admitting you have a problem

I think I've figured out my problem (well at least my main problem) , and I guess that's the first step. I'm pretty sure I was sort of aware of it before, but I don't think I was able to admit it or simply understand it until now. I had my revelation tuesday during our acting class. We were all siting around in a circle with Luke in the middle holding two water guns, one was full, and the other empty. He went around to everybody, one at a time, and stuck the guns in their faces. The point of this exercise was to experience true emotion. To have an honest reaction without acting. That was never a problem for me. In fact it was always quit easy for me to be in the moment and react truthfully. I really understand the whole idea that acting is really not acting. Now, here comes my problem. I didn't figure it out by myself, Luke actually pointed it out to me. He was saying how when you're in a scene, and lets say your scared because someone is holding a gun to your head. If you get really into it and feel actual fear, then all of a sudden you're like "Oh Yay! I'm scared!", and then your out of it. That, there is my problem. When I begin to actually feel something, I get so excited that before I know it, I'm not feeling it anymore. It's almost as if acting is too fun for me. I know it's a silly thing to say but I mean, even if I'm in a scene where I'm hysterically crying, I find myself really having fun, but I'm crying, and that's not supposed to be fun. I know I have to find a balance, but the question is "How?". I guess that'll be step 2...

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious...

Back to shcool means back to the blog. 

When I signed on to my blog for the first time in, well, a really long time, I scrolled all the way down to the bottom of the page, and what did I find? My very first blog post posted exactly one year ago. As I read it, I was brought back to that first day of high school, and that first time I walked through the STAC room doors. I remember feeling, well, pretty much everything! Excitement, curiosity, fear, and kind of overwhelmed. I guess a more suitable term to describe it would be supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. And now, walking into the STAC room doors for the probably the 43234092nd time, I'm still sorta feeling that supercalifragilisticexpialidocious feeling, except it feels different this time, well sort of. I guess it's the same minus the fear and overwhelmingness (if that's a word?) . Now I have to apologize for my current lack of ability to express my self with actual words. I guess it's the result of a blogging free summer, clearly I'm a little rusty.

Well speaking of expressing myself, I guess it's a good time to talk about what we did today. Our project for the day was to create yet another mural. We all started with pencil and wrote our names, then we branched out and wrote something we loved, and the branched out from there and wrote we loved about that, and then what we loved about that and I think you get the point. When I pictured this in my head I was picturing a white wall, with lots of small, separate webs. So we started to write. You know, I was surprised at how hard it was to actually think of what ever it was that I loved, but then once I thought of it, it was extremely easy to think of  why I loved it. It was strange how that worked, isn't it? It really puzzled me and I'm not exactly sure what to make of it. So, I was making my web and something happened that I was not expecting. My web was beginning to intertwine with other webs, and it was happening so naturally, like it was supposed to happen. There's really only one explanation for it, we all are a lot more similar than we thought. It makes sense considering we all have a passion for the arts, but since we are all so different, it's easy to forget that, at the end of the day, we are all pretty much the same, and stepping back at the end of the day to see our mural, not being able to tell where one web ended and one began, it became very, very clear. It was really cool, no, more than that... 

it was supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Vibing Verbs...

Another day, another workshop. Today was more of the same. First we did some warm up exercises, and then we did some improv. Today in the improv we were working with "verbs". Pleading, charming, attacking... The thing with "verbs" is they are so easy to relate to, because we do them everyday. Verbs made the improv so easy because it was so organic, and natural. It felt so real, which was once again so freaky, but so amazing!

Mad Cool...

Today we did improv again and this time I was in a group with Giandri and Shiana. In the improv, they where in the cool gang at school and I wanted to join. When I asked if I could join they turned me down because I wasn't cool enough. At first I was just pleading with them, acting all desperate, but when Giandri started to insult me I began to get defensive, and before I knew it I was "slapping" her and screaming at her and cursing (all things I really never do). I got so into it. I was actually mad at her! It was amazing. It was funny, everyone was so surprised because I'm never like that... I guess that's why they call it acting.