Text messages, Knifes, and barbecue sauce...

I would like to say that I am having so much fun filming our horror movie. During the pre-production process it was tedious, boring, and headache inducing. Yet all the while there was a meager sense of excitement and anticipation lingering far in the distance, and now it's here. We're filming and I find myself counting down the hours to 7th period so we can get started. 
 What I love more than anything is never knowing what's going to happen. We tirelessly planned, and re-planned, and planned again every shot. Yet what I pictured in my head was never as cool as what I saw through the lens. Quit often what we see in our imaginations is better than reality, but not here, and I think that's really cool. Our film is the product of the best parts of mine, Grace's, Andrew's, Brian's, and Danny's imaginations, so it's no wonder that it's better than what I could've produced on my own. This is a very valuable lesson to learn. The sheer power of numbers is something not to be overlooked. Collaboration is a key ingredient in success. It doesn't matter what comes out of your own mind, it only matters how you apply what comes out of others. You have to put ego aside and merely look at quality of ideas, and I am proud of my group, because we've been quit successful in this. I really want to sit and brag about the cool things we did but you'll just have to wait and see it! So, I'll continue on with my experience behind the scenes. 
It is obvious that my group has some very strong personalities, and you would think this would cause some... tumult and tension. But you would be wrong. I don't think I've ever been involved in a group project were there was so little conflict. Not to leave us entirely credit-less because I think it's partly because we are all older and more mature (and more civil). But  I think the major reason is because we are all passionate about our project. We all have a common goal: making the best horror film possible, and as a result, when there is a difference in opinion, we simply try to find the best solution (because that will mean making the best movie). I want to remember this and somehow harvest this for the future when working in other groups. If this can be achieved more often then the "group project" wont seem so menacing - actually to be honest I personally always enjoyed group projects because I hate working alone and really like depending on people but anyway... 

I want to take a moment and reflect on a very interesting shot we had to shoot  today. To avoid spoilers all I'll say is  I had to take a mouthful of barbecue sauce and water, and have it dribble out of my mouth. I don't know what it was, but there was something so cool about it. I had a weird sense of accomplishment and pride about it. It sounds silly I know, but despite the really bad after taste and queasy stomach, it made me feel really good. I think it was the fact that I was willing to do it. It was weird, I probably looked ridiculous. And I was really wanted to do it. I was excited to do it. Four years ago I wouldn't have been so willing. I remember freshman year we were filming a commercial where we all had to put on crazy make-up and I was really uncomfortable and awkward about it. I remember Zach turning to me and saying, "I can't wait until you're a senior. You're going to be willing to do the craziest s***!"It's weird how I remember this so clearly. But this has become sort of a theme for me this year. Reflecting on who I was as a freshman, who I am now, and seeing how much I've grown. Because I've grown a lot - and this is quit comforting. No matter how scary College is, the prospect that I have another four years of extreme personal growth ahead of me never fails to have me counting down the days until graduation

... Don't get me wrong though- It's still scary. And I definitely don't want to rush it. 

Lois Lane...

I've started to think about my character in Kiss Me Kate and this is what I have so far...

The nice thing about Lois Lane is she is very open, honest and upfront about her intentions. Although she is a little sneaky and conniving, she doesn't try to hid it in the way you would expect. In the first scene we see her acting very flirtatious with Freddie and clearly trying to impress him. In the next scene she admits that she is merely using him to get ahead. "I'll never forgive you if anything happens to Mr. Graham before I'm a star on Broadway." She knows he is the key to getting what she wants. Yet there is something more to her infatuation with Freddie Graham. The cause of her "obsession" with him lies in the way he makes her feel... special. All her life all she's wanted was to feel loved and to be taken seriously. Freddie gives her that and so she clings to him. Freddie has taken an interest in her as an actress and that means the world to her. She respects and looks up to Freddie, and the fact that he is telling her how special she is, makes her interpret that warm feeling in the pit of her stomach as love (but it's really gratitude and confidence). The man she really loves is Bill. She is angry with him because 1. He is not taking her seriously like Freddie is and 2. He is threatening everything Freddie has given her, however there is no doubt in my mind that she truly loves him. She knows that if Bill doesn't learn to behave then this show, her career, and her feeling of confidence and "specialness" is in jeopardy. In the song Why Don't you Behave we learn that Lois, despite her fantastical desire to become a brilliant actress and cultured performer, dreams of settling down with Bill and taking the roll of doting wife. Many of her actions contradict this but Lois is deeply in love with Bill and only wants what's best for him- even though he drives her nuts! Although it is her character Bianca who sings Tom Dick or Harry, it gives us insight into Lois's contradictory actions. The basic message of the song is, I'll marry anyone who wants to marry me. Lois has an inferiority complex. She so wants to be wanted that she'll eagerly indulge in the attention no matter what the consequences. She needs to have all eyes on her in order to feel seen. Most importantly, she places her value as a person in her popularity, not her own feelings of self worth. She has a lack of self respect that is very clearly depicted in her interaction with the General. The General is a man of high status and respect who has shown interest in Lois. Although it is clear that he only wants to have sex with her, Lois doesn't seem to mind. On the contrary she seems to flaunt it. His interest, however superficial, makes Lois feel special. The extent to which she'll go to feel special is expressed in the following song, "Always True to You in My Fashion." She's basically saying, I'm going to sleep around with a bunch of guys because 1. It's fun and 2. They give me stuff. She sees nothing wrong with her indiscretions because she really does love Bill. At the end of the day, Bill is the only person who can truly make her feel special because he is the only one who loves her for her. 

I can not tell you how good this makes me feel. I'm funny. I always dread doing work but then when I'm actually doing it, I end up enjoying myself. I don't think I'll ever learn my lesson but my dread comes from a fear. A fear that if I really apply myself and fail, then I will have no explanation other than- I wasn't good enough. Leaving successes to chance is a little lazy, irresponsible, and very cowardly. It is something that I simply can no longer allow myself to do. Perhaps I am not giving myself enough credit but there is certainly truth to my babble. My fear of failure is really a fear of success. I sabotage myself. I don't know what that means exactly, but it's true. 
I do know that after writing that simple one page analysis I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel as though I am giving myself permission to succeed. It feels good.