Library...

I was listening to the radio a couple of days ago and the song "Fix You" by Coldplay came on. Of course I've heard it before, but I've never really heard it you know? I was walking and it literally stopped me in my tracks. It was one of those really intimate weird moments that make you feel wonderful and freaks out at the same time. There is something about the lyrics that really speak to me. 

I know we're talking about moving away from needing inspiration, but lets be real, we all like to be inspired. I think the most important function of our library is to provide us with inspiration. That's exactly what this song does so I am filling it away as the first official piece in my library. It's a song that evokes such a strong emotional response from me. Even just thinking about now makes me almost want to cry. When I listen to it... I want to sing it, I want to play it on the guitar, I want to choreograph a dance to it, I want to read the lyrics as a monologue, I even want to paint it! It doesn't give me any clear specific ideas immediately, but the inspiration is strong and growing stronger. Take a look:

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

I feel like I can't relate to it at all and yet I feel like it was written just for me. I think it's safe to say this is my new favorite song. But it's missing something- a really good video. I went on youtube and it appears that Coldplay never made an official music video. They're are bunch of fan made ones but non that evoke the kind of emotion that this song warrants. So, I decided... and I really don't want to say this because it's basically making an unofficial contract with myself that I can't break but...  I am going to make a music video.

My list...

I like making lists, and since I'm on the subject...

My Fears: 
1. Not being good enough (as a person and performer)
2. That I'm not special
3. Sadness
4. Fear- yes I fear fear
5. Not wanting to work had/ not being able to/ loosing my drive and passion
6. Love- as sappy as it is
7. Not being a good friend/daughter/sister
8. Success
9. Failure
10. Not being strong enough
11. Not being happy enough
12. That this list is stupid

...To be continued. I think I will add to this weekly.

Freeze this Moment...

.."I wish that we could freeze this moment... and live in it forever." That should be my senior quote. Or maybe "I won't grow up. I wont grow up. I WONT GROW UP!" 

I think its safe to say I'm having a little bit of trouble with this whole senior thing. I wish, more than anything, that I could be one of those people craving adventure. Someone who was drawn to the unknown, ready to say goodbye to the familiar. I wish, oh how I wish, that I was eager to close this final chapter of my high school career and set out to the real world. Most of all, I wish I wasn't scared. At this point I don't even know what I'm afraid of, but I think what makes the monsters in your closet so scary is that you don't know what they look like. And right about now I feel like I'm locked in that same closet with the monsters looking me straight in the eye, because even though I can't see them, they can sure as hell see me. The worst thing though is that its some outside force that is out my control. It's me. I'm the monster. I'm my own worst enemy. I really don't like this feeling. I don't want to judge my feelings. I want to embrace them and accept them, and learn to love them. But right about now I just want to take a vacuum and suck it out of myself. Of course I know I'm being over dramatic. I think most people feel this way. But that's not too comforting. Well maybe a little but it doesn't give me courage... because that's what I need. At least I think. Courage seems to be the answer to everything. If I had courage, all the amazing things that are about to happen to me wouldn't be scary, they would be exciting. 

I'm sitting outside right now, and it's beautiful. The sunlight is shining softly on the grass, the  breeze is gently blowing the trees, the crickets are quietly chirping, and the air is clear and crisp. On a day like today it is impossible not to be happy you're alive. Sitting in such a calm environment makes the mumbo jumbo hurricane of emotion in side of me seem almost silly. It truly sounds like the crickets are whispering to me, "Don't worry. Be happy". I think they're right. I simply have to decide not to worry, or at least in beautiful moments like these, wait to worry. In this moment I am going to remind myself of how lucky I am and of how amazing this year will be. It's easy to think of how scary, frightening, and overwhelming life is, but it's also wonderful! Lets take an average day in the life of Sabrina Kalman. I wake up (which is probably the worst part). I sit and eat breakfast with my mom, how can I complain? Then I'm driven to school instead of taking the bus, pretty cool huh? Once I'm at school the one class I can say I like the  least is economics, and I get it over with first period. The rest of the day is as follows: Phycology, English, Environmental/Gym (which I could probably live without), Chamber, and of course STAC. STAC is one of the best parts of my day- and I'm not only saying this because this is my STAC blog. It's an outlet for all that mumbo jumbo I feel. It's a place where I can breathe and take the weight of the world off my shoulders. It's a place where I am completely myself, so much so, sometimes I surprise myself. I learn things about myself everyday, and the value of that is indescribable. STAC has given me the freedom and the courage to be me. Looking back at Sabrina four years ago, I can barely recognize her. Although sometimes I wish I could go back to freshman year, and live all of this again, I like who I am now better. I can't make this clear in one sentence so I'll give you a simple example. Freshman year I would not cry in front of others, now I will.  It's confidence. Maybe that's why (or at least partly why) I am freaking out. I like my life. These past three years have been the best of all my 17. So really, why would I want to leave? I'm comfortable here. I like it here. People keep telling me how amazing college will be but it's an unknown, and as I already established I don't do well with that. The weird thing is I don't believe I can do it, but I know I can. Does that make any sense at all? Basically I need more faith. I have the logic. I just need to believe in myself more. A lot more. Which is strange because last year I was getting so good at that. 
I have to say, writing this all down has  made me feel better.

... But even still, in this calmness, I feel like I'm standing in the eye of the Hurricane- hopefully it won't be of the same magnitude as Sandy!

Crowdfunding...

This whole crowdfunding thing is really cool. It's like a combination of crowdsurfing, begging (in the most classy way possible), and winning the lottery. I like the idea of asking strangers for money. Even more so, I love the idea of them actually giving it to us. If there's anybody who can do this, I think we can. No, lets be more confident, I know we can. Not only are we cute and charming kids asking for money for their education so they can study art and follow their dreams and express themselves (and a lot of other corny things) but we, as a group, are really talented and smart! I don't want to sound conceded but it's true. And that's the key. We can of course ask people for money, and tell them how important this program is, and just talk talk talk. But why talk when we can show? I was surfing around Kickstarter and I watched a lot of interesting videos. All of the projects were really interesting and if I was rich I would probably give money to 95% of them. But the best videos (the one's I wanted to give the most money to) were the one's that talked a little bit about their project at the beginning but then actually showed you their work. The worst video I found was a 10 minute long interview about why I should support the Bay One Acts Festival. I mean it sounds interesting, and it seems worthwhile, but apart from being really boring am I just supposed to take their word for it? For all I know this festival could suck. I want some proof before I give money to complete strangers. 
Basically, I think we need to do something that will impress people. We need to show off in a polite and sophisticated way. Like the RawDance company in San Francisco. They are trying to raise money for "a theatrical dance installation unearthing where possession lies in the body." Of course it's an interesting project, but instead of just telling us about it, they showed us. For the first few seconds of the video they gave a brief explanation, but after that they simply showed you clips of different dances. The dances were magnificent and so interesting. There was so much that I've never seen before. It impressed me. That's the key. So how will we impress people? We need to make something good. Sounds easy enough right? 
I think we should make movies. Since before I was in STAC, the one thing that always came to mind when I think of this program is really interesting and impressive student films. If we can make films that are really good and show people them I think we can get money. There is something about the medium of film that is more relatable than any other medium of art. I think it's because of it's accessibility. It would be difficult to find a person who has not seen a movie, but a little easier to find someone who has never been to MoMa or seen a Ballet. There's a comfort when it comes to film, because of it's familiarity, and because of this I think we can even get away with doing something a little strange. Most importantly I think people are most impressed by films. Maybe it's because it seems more complicated than picking up a paint brush or jumping around in tights? I don't know. But if movies are impressive, and impression means money, then lest make movies! Don't ask what these films will be about or where/ when/ and how we will show them... there's still  brainstorming to be done.

Artist Bio...

Sabrina Kalman was born and raised on Long Island in the little town of New Hyde Park (or as she likes to say, "just thirty minutes outside the city"- because it sounds cooler.) She was brought into this world by a musician/singer/songwriter and a singer/actress so it was pretty much inevitable that she would soon fall in love with theatre. Sabrina is, in no particular order, a dancer, actress, and a singer. She began performing at the age of 3 in her living room where she would reenact a one women rendition of Bye Bye Birdie, everyday, at around 3 o'clock. Since then she has gone on to perform in slightly larger venues such as her school auditorium. One day, after she has graduated college of course, she will perform on Broadway and in Film. She believes positivity and optimism are the keys to survival.

So, why you may ask would a person choose such an precarious, difficult, and quit crazy career? It's not the obvious answer; love. Although it is true, Sabrina does indeed have a love for performing. Though the reason is quit hard for her to articulate, she likes to say, "because it's my only shot at happiness". Another way to put it is, "you know when you hold your breath for a long time and then just as you think you're going to burst you suck in all the air you possibly can? It feels so good. It's kind of like that." Sabrina believes that people become artists to answer 2 questions: One, who am I? And two, what is the meaning of life? Somehow, it all boils down to happiness. After all if you're happy, truly happy that is (there are lots of ways to fake happiness) you have either answered those 2 questions, or have found peace in the fact that you may never will. Happiness. It's a very important word for Sabrina. It is why she makes art and it is what she hopes her art will be. If her art can somehow, make someone happy, even if it's for a mere hour or two, than she will consider herself a success.

Performing isn't the only thing that makes Sabrina happy. She also enjoys writing, painting, photography, and playing the guitar. Her back up plan (if the whole Broadway/movie thing doesn't work out) is to be a singer songwriter. Not the most dependable plan B but what's the fun in that? Sabrina is extremely lucky in the fact that she can follow her dreams, because she has some amazing people supporting her. Her fan club, for lack of a better word, includes her parents and her sister. As corny as it may sound, they are also her artistic inspiration and largest influences. Their work, and their approach to their work is something that Sabrina strives to emulate. 

Them Heavy People...

This is my last first blog post of the year. Wow.

The hall of mirrors lives in my mind

Can't see at all when the air is still

They whisper their secrets to me, silently

It's echoing, laughing, but I can't hear at all

Rolling the ball, Rolling the ball, Rolling the ball to me...