4th Quarter...

My major will be acting.

I don't think  working towards a finished product is necessarily beneficial or productive. I think it will be more enjoyable, less stressful, and free from constraints or confinement if I approach my work as an exploration, not as a rehearsal. Now this may sound like laziness, but it's not. One thing that I learned this quarter is that the true power of the fear of failure. Sometimes it can inspire you to achieve goals you never thought imaginable, but at other times it can discourage you so greatly that the the fear itself can become the very thing that is stopping you from succeeding. I really think if we didn't have that looming thought of performance in the back of our minds, a big obstacle would have been avoided. I believe we would have felt free to explore, and try, and experiment, because if it didn't work, who cares? So, I don't want 4th quarter to be about performance in any way. I want the freedom to explore, and more importantly I want the freedom to fail. I know I am being very vague, and that's simply because I'm really not sure what I should do. I know what I want to do, so that's the first step, but I can't really seem to answer the question of what the end result will be, or where I will get to, or even how I will be evaluated. I'm sorry if I'm not answering any of the questions, but I don't want to give answers just for the sake of giving answers. I mean, in a perfect world I would say that I want to spend 4th Quarter in an acting class (as much as I would love to be able to independently study, I have proven to myself that I'm not ready for that, and that's okay). So, I guess the question is what would be the next best thing?

My minor will be song writing.

Why? That's easy. It's something that I love to do, and haven't done much of. I've written a few songs and the joy I get from it is really hard to express with written words. It's truly an escape, and I think I'll be needing one from time to time (especially in the coming months of SATs, ACTs, APs, Finals, and Regents). I'm starting with 2 finished songs under my belt, and I would love to finish 4th quarter with maybe 4? I really have no clue if that's a reasonable number because I am totally new to this. I would also love to record my songs that I've already written. The idea of recording has always frightened me and I want to over come that. 

Next...

What do I have planned for 4th quarter? I think it's pretty simple. I want to get better and the only way to do that is to practice. The only problem is, I'm still not so sure what form this "practice" should come in. To be honest, I don't think I really got much better this quarter. Don't get me wrong, this quarter wasn't a total bust, I feel like I learned a lot about myself and that's definitely worth something. However, when it comes to my acting, I might've learned a bit about my problems but I don't think I improved. It felt like the blind leading the blind. Both me and Kadambari hardly any experience rehearsing, staging, and performing a scene all by ourselves. We both needed help, and we both wanted to help each other, but we didn't know how. It was like we were stuck in quick sand, but we weren't necessarily sinking, we were just stuck in place (but quit frankly I'd almost rather be sinking because at least then we'd be going somewhere). So I definitely don't want a repeat of this quarter, but I definitely want to act. Like I said before all I want to do is to get better. If that means working all quarter to get only a fraction of an inch closer to becoming the kind of actress I aspire to be then so be it, but never the less I want that quarter of inch more then anything. An intelligent man once said (I'm paraphrasing here) that there's no such thing as staying still. To put it bluntly, you're either getting better, or you're getting worse, you can't stay the same. That's a scary thought. I don't want to get worse! So the only option is to get better, and again I wish I knew what that meant. Maybe I need to read more? At the very least I could expand my mind if not improve my skill. I think I would like to read about Sanford Meisner. I really don't know anything about him and I really enjoyed the repeating exercises so I think that's a good place to start. I also don't want to spend my whole quarter reading. Why would I want to simply read about acting when I can get up and try it for myself? 10,000 words can't take the place of 10,000 hours. Well, like I said it's a good place to start.

I'm sorry I don't have a clear cut plan, but I guess I'll figure it out.

Blocking...

I was blocked, and the key to getting unblocked was... blocking. 

I always say that I'm a physical actress; using my body works a whole lot better than using my mind; working from the outside-in instead of inside-out is the way to go; physical action subtext is my key to success, and yet I never remember to use it! Sometimes I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm lucky enough to have found out what works for me but apparently I'm stupid enough to not apply it. Sometimes I just want to slap myself. Now that I've gotten that off my chest I can continue.

I made a discovery today: Blocking is important! I've always just brushed it off as being no big deal. Why does it matter if you cross right or left, stand up stage or downstage, as long as you're acting is good that's all that matters right? No. It was really my own ignorance. I didn't understand it (still don't) and couldn't do it (still can't) so I deemed it as unimportant. I still have the same exact knowledge about it as I did before (absolutely nothing), but now at least I appreciate it. Blocking is like the blue prints for a house. It provides a strong basis to work from, but it's not set in stone. It gives you a starting point that you can then build something beautiful with, but of course it shouldn't be the focus (if you hired a contractor to build you a house and in the end all they handed you back are the blue prints, you'd be pretty pissed). Most importantly though, without it no matter how hard you try, all you're left with is a flat piece of land and a pile of wood. That's what our scene has been up until now; a flat piece of land and a pile of wood. The blocking consisted of me sitting on the ground, and then sitting on a chair, and Kadambari sitting on a chair and standing up... and we were wondering why the scene sucked! The blocking illustrates the scene. It gives it color and life. Right now our blocking was sucking the life right out of it. 

We started by creating the space. The scene takes place in the living room of an apartment building so we decided what it looked like. Where the couch, the door, the phonograph player, and the menagerie case are. This gave us a basis upon which to build off of. As an actress I can sort of feel my way through a scene. I can tell when I should move from point A to point B, wen I should stand or sit, but I have a hard time giving an explanation for it. I also lack detail I can tell you in general when I should move where, but I can't really give you an exact time and place. I think this is because I am more of an actress than a director. Who knows, maybe if I tried I may find I could do it, but I don't posses that intrinsic instinct, like Grace does. There is a line I say, : I couldn't face it". I had been delivering the line while standing up tall and straight looking right at Kadambari. Grace had a suggestion. Since I'm saying I can't face her, why don't I literally turn away from her? It's funny how something so logical never occurred to me. So I tried it, and guess what? The line transformed. It instantly gained a level of reality and believability. I know it sounds silly-it's just one line- but it felt so good. It felt so natural. All I had to do was move my body, I didn't have to think about anything. Like I've said before, thinking is my worst enemy. When I allow my body to do the thinking instead of my brain is when I'm the most successful. Which brings me back to the blocking. I never knew how much it could help my acting. It's not just physical action subtext that works, it's actual physical action. Makes sense right?

The Scene...

I've never really understood how to apply "repeating" to a scene until  now. It's all about getting your attention on the other person, because once you do that  you're golden. Once I learn to do that 99.9% of my problems will be solved. When we started to do the scene with repeating I noticed that I was getting better. I am not there yet, but I am on the right track. It really clicked for me when I learned to laugh. Kadambari said a line, and it wasn't meant to be funny, but I found it funny, so I laughed and repeated it back to her. The scene went on and I continued to laugh. It was my first instinct and I didn't fight it, even though my brain was telling me that "my character shouldn't be laughing"... "it doesn't make sense in the scene". It's kind of a break through. Before I go on I should address another one of my problems. I think this is a universal problem for all rookie actors. You start thinking "my character is supposed to be feeling ______" so you try with all your power and might to feel that way. To put it simply in the scene my character, Laura is nervous, ashamed, and uncomfortable. My first instinct is to be like okay, take a deep breath, close your eyes, count to 3, and be nervous! Well, that just doesn't work. It's those preconceived ideas of a scene and character that really kills us as actors. We are too worried with making the scene make sense for the audience. If acting is meant to be truthful, the only way we can really tell the truth is by being ourselves (the minute you try to warp your feeling to fit the characters' you're lying). Whatever you're feeling you're feeling, and there's nothing you can really do about it. This concept was always so hard for me to accept but for some reason while we were repeating in the scene it clicked. It didn't matter that I had thought that when Laura says "Please don't stare at me mother" she is ashamed, I was looking at Kadambari who was giving me a funny look, so I laughed. It was so easy, almost too easy. There has to be something more to it. It just seems too passive. This is where my confusion started to kick in. I was re-watching Les Miserables and couldn't get  Anne Hathaway out of my mind. Her character Fantine has literally had everything taken away from her. She is the epitome of helplessness, pain, and suffering. When you looked at Anne Hathaway you could almost see it in her eyes. They were filled with sorrow and grief. You could literally see her heartbreak, misery, and despair written across her face. Now, there's no way anyone can tell me that this wasn't truthful. She couldn't have delivered that kind of performance by merely pretending to feel this way. Her feelings and Fantine's feelings coincided. I have a hard time believing this was simply a coincidence.  She obviously did something, but what?!?! How did she do it!?!?!?! This has been driving me crazy. 
As we continued to rehearse the scene my confusion continued to grow. When we took the repeating out of it, it started to fall apart. Everything that worked before vanished. The truth, the attention, everything! I tried to just let myself be, not to try to make myself feel anything and just let Kadambari affect me, but that didn't work. I tried to put all my focus on Kadambari and forget about myself, and that didn't work either. This time it wasn't out of fear. I literally couldn't see her. My eyes would be looking at her, but something would stop the image from processing in my brain. It's like a brick wall between my eyes and my brain. I didn't know what to do with myself. This was so frustrating because just when I thought I was making a breakthrough, I had a set back. Things were just starting to make sense and then suddenly I was thrown back in to a whirlpool of confusion. It's possible that a major part of the problem was out of my control. This is all new to me and really in the grand scheme of things,  I think I know about .00001%  about acting. My problem is a lack of experience and only time can fix that. 

Miesner...

We started simple with repeating. I am happy to say I was pleasantly surprised, I liked it. I can remember two years ago when I first encountered this exercise. It was the most unsettling, uncomfortable, awkward, boring, and difficult thing. I kind of dreaded it. My problem was my focus. I spent way too much time worrying about myself instead of focusing on the other person. When it came to repeating I had always struggled with observing my partner because I was too busy observing, and of course judging myself. It's extremely hard to look someone in the eye while you are staring at yourself. It feels as though both you and your partner are teaming up on yourself. Judging and scrutinizing every word you say. It's overwhelming and you simply can't operate like that. You can't live like that. Yet I was. My problem as an actress of course was really just my problem as a human being. As a person my eyes too often would wander and end up looking at myself instead of the world around me. Whether I was judging, double checking, or simply observing it made me blind to what was right in front of me. It's not as harsh as it sounds. I sometimes liked what I saw, but it's really not a healthy way to live. I was living trapped inside myself and I was dying to get out. 

So when I say I enjoyed repeating, it's a pretty big deal. I looked Kadambari in the eye, and was able to see her, and more importantly I let her see me. I was free from my former constraints. I noticed things, I went with my instincts, and most importantly I enjoyed myself. This whole eye contact thing is a bigger accomplishment than it may sound. I feel that when you look someone in the eye, and they look back at you, it is the most honest form on non verbal communication. There is something so vulnerable about it. You feel naked and exposed and can't hide. I really do think it's true, that the eyes are the windows to the soul. This made me think, when I have a conversation with someone I don't really make much eye contact. I'm either looking out into space, or something across the room, or even mindlessly fiddling with my phone. It was my way of hiding, as well as I think my way of allowing others to hide (I guess I was trying to be polite). This has also been my problem as an actress. Even when I would try to look at someone there would be something in my brain that would keep it from processing. It was like as soon as I made eye contact an alarm would go off that would tell my brain "uh oh- this is making you vulnerable" and it would go into lock down. I could literally have a whole scene with someone and not be able to tell you what they were wearing when I came off stage. I guess you could say I was looking but not seeing. This is something I encountered with How to Succeed. At first glance Hedy is nothing more than a slut (am I aloud to use that word?).  But I don't like that word though because it over simplifies her. Hedy is like an onion. You have to peel her back layer by layer (which I think is true for any character).  So, on the surface she is a flirtatious, slutty, bimbo however if you peel back a few layers you discover the reasons why she's this way. I believe one of these reasons being she is desperate for human affection. She just wants to connect with someone. To feel wanted and loved. Now how could I possibly play a part like that with my usual blindness? The answer is, I couldn't. I can't tell you how but I think I did it. I was able to forget about myself and put the attention on whoever I happened to be doing a scene with. I wasn't just looking, I was seeing. That's the key. Acting isn't acting, it's reacting. It's as simple as that. As I began to notice this change in my acting I also began to notice it in my life. Suddenly looking someone in the eye wasn't so scary. 
Yes it's nice to say I've grown as an actress, but to say I've grown as a person... well I think that's even cooler. 

The Glass Menagerie...

The first day we read the script through. It was awkward. It was stiff. It was boring. To put it plain and simple, it was bad. But it was the first day, it's okay to be bad. In fact I think it's supposed to be. However, here we come to my first problem. I'll just be frank, I want to be good. I understand that I'm only human, and that acting is hard, and that if I was good all the time that would mean I am perfect which would mean I am boring. And if I'm boring how can I possibly be a good actress? Which I guess means that being bad is an inevitable part of being good. So, I know all this and yet as soon as I am handed a script there is a part of me that longs for the first words to come out of my mouth to be genius. I want to make clear that I'm not afraid to be bad. I can deal with failing at first, as long as I "try, try again" right? It just bothers me that it bothers me. It's not like it tortures me to the point where I run out crying or I can't sleep at night. It's not even close to that. It's just that little twinge in the back of my mind of the pit of my stomach and it's extremely annoying. I just wish that I could be one of those people who doesn't care. Who can just accept it, brush it off, and move on. Of course I do that. I can laugh at myself when I fall on my face, just not 100%. I guess this is me wanting to be perfect, because if it didn't bother me at all that's a level of perfection in a way. Perfection is defined as the condition, state or quality of being free or as free as possible from flaws and defects (the flaw in this case being self-criticism). So I care, a lot, but why does that have to be a bad thing. I want to be a good actress. I love it. It's my passion. It's what I want to for the rest of my life. If I didn't care I think I might have to rethink my career path. If I didn't care I wouldn't be human.

The one thing I have to be aware of is if this perfectionism (I hate that word) is going to be a road block for me. If it's simply going to drive me crazy then that's fine. We all have to suffer for our art right? But if it's going to discourage me and get in my way then that's a problem. Right now I don't think it's that severe. It'll just be something I'll have to deal with. The answer I think is turning my frustration into inspiration. If I think I'm bad, than that's just another reason to work even harder. 

As far as my first impression of the scene goes, it was less than enthusiastic. Laura seemed pathetic and annoying. She was like a winey little 3 year old. I didn't really like her and was a little concerned about how I would play someone I didn't like. I mean does that even matter? I'm not sure. Do you need to like a character in order to play them? Is that necessary? I've always thought that that was very important. To be honest I've never played a character I didn't like. But what if you're playing the most evil villain, with no redeemable qualities, plotting to take over the world? Take Hitler for example. If you're cast as Hitler in a Broadway show I think it's safe to say that you don't like that character, but there's no way you're turning an opportunity like that down. So how do play a part that you don't like 8 shows a week? Well, I think I'm just thinking about it the wrong way. It's not so much "like" as it is "respect". It is the job of the actress to learn to "respect" some quality of her character. No matter how likable or unlikeable they may be, she has to remember that they are human. They have human thoughts and feelings just like anybody else, and it is not only her job to analyze and understand them, but to respect them.  Of course this will be harder with some characters than it is with others (Looking back I had a harder time learning to respect Hedy than Chava, even without realizing it). But who ever said acting was easy? So whether I like Laura or not I have to respect her. Who knows though, maybe she'll grow on me?