Miesner...

We started simple with repeating. I am happy to say I was pleasantly surprised, I liked it. I can remember two years ago when I first encountered this exercise. It was the most unsettling, uncomfortable, awkward, boring, and difficult thing. I kind of dreaded it. My problem was my focus. I spent way too much time worrying about myself instead of focusing on the other person. When it came to repeating I had always struggled with observing my partner because I was too busy observing, and of course judging myself. It's extremely hard to look someone in the eye while you are staring at yourself. It feels as though both you and your partner are teaming up on yourself. Judging and scrutinizing every word you say. It's overwhelming and you simply can't operate like that. You can't live like that. Yet I was. My problem as an actress of course was really just my problem as a human being. As a person my eyes too often would wander and end up looking at myself instead of the world around me. Whether I was judging, double checking, or simply observing it made me blind to what was right in front of me. It's not as harsh as it sounds. I sometimes liked what I saw, but it's really not a healthy way to live. I was living trapped inside myself and I was dying to get out. 

So when I say I enjoyed repeating, it's a pretty big deal. I looked Kadambari in the eye, and was able to see her, and more importantly I let her see me. I was free from my former constraints. I noticed things, I went with my instincts, and most importantly I enjoyed myself. This whole eye contact thing is a bigger accomplishment than it may sound. I feel that when you look someone in the eye, and they look back at you, it is the most honest form on non verbal communication. There is something so vulnerable about it. You feel naked and exposed and can't hide. I really do think it's true, that the eyes are the windows to the soul. This made me think, when I have a conversation with someone I don't really make much eye contact. I'm either looking out into space, or something across the room, or even mindlessly fiddling with my phone. It was my way of hiding, as well as I think my way of allowing others to hide (I guess I was trying to be polite). This has also been my problem as an actress. Even when I would try to look at someone there would be something in my brain that would keep it from processing. It was like as soon as I made eye contact an alarm would go off that would tell my brain "uh oh- this is making you vulnerable" and it would go into lock down. I could literally have a whole scene with someone and not be able to tell you what they were wearing when I came off stage. I guess you could say I was looking but not seeing. This is something I encountered with How to Succeed. At first glance Hedy is nothing more than a slut (am I aloud to use that word?).  But I don't like that word though because it over simplifies her. Hedy is like an onion. You have to peel her back layer by layer (which I think is true for any character).  So, on the surface she is a flirtatious, slutty, bimbo however if you peel back a few layers you discover the reasons why she's this way. I believe one of these reasons being she is desperate for human affection. She just wants to connect with someone. To feel wanted and loved. Now how could I possibly play a part like that with my usual blindness? The answer is, I couldn't. I can't tell you how but I think I did it. I was able to forget about myself and put the attention on whoever I happened to be doing a scene with. I wasn't just looking, I was seeing. That's the key. Acting isn't acting, it's reacting. It's as simple as that. As I began to notice this change in my acting I also began to notice it in my life. Suddenly looking someone in the eye wasn't so scary. 
Yes it's nice to say I've grown as an actress, but to say I've grown as a person... well I think that's even cooler.