The first day we read the script through. It was awkward. It was stiff. It was boring. To put it plain and simple, it was bad. But it was the first day, it's okay to be bad. In fact I think it's supposed to be. However, here we come to my first problem. I'll just be frank, I want to be good. I understand that I'm only human, and that acting is hard, and that if I was good all the time that would mean I am perfect which would mean I am boring. And if I'm boring how can I possibly be a good actress? Which I guess means that being bad is an inevitable part of being good. So, I know all this and yet as soon as I am handed a script there is a part of me that longs for the first words to come out of my mouth to be genius. I want to make clear that I'm not afraid to be bad. I can deal with failing at first, as long as I "try, try again" right? It just bothers me that it bothers me. It's not like it tortures me to the point where I run out crying or I can't sleep at night. It's not even close to that. It's just that little twinge in the back of my mind of the pit of my stomach and it's extremely annoying. I just wish that I could be one of those people who doesn't care. Who can just accept it, brush it off, and move on. Of course I do that. I can laugh at myself when I fall on my face, just not 100%. I guess this is me wanting to be perfect, because if it didn't bother me at all that's a level of perfection in a way. Perfection is defined as the condition, state or quality of being free or as free as possible from flaws and defects (the flaw in this case being self-criticism). So I care, a lot, but why does that have to be a bad thing. I want to be a good actress. I love it. It's my passion. It's what I want to for the rest of my life. If I didn't care I think I might have to rethink my career path. If I didn't care I wouldn't be human.
The one thing I have to be aware of is if this perfectionism (I hate that word) is going to be a road block for me. If it's simply going to drive me crazy then that's fine. We all have to suffer for our art right? But if it's going to discourage me and get in my way then that's a problem. Right now I don't think it's that severe. It'll just be something I'll have to deal with. The answer I think is turning my frustration into inspiration. If I think I'm bad, than that's just another reason to work even harder.
As far as my first impression of the scene goes, it was less than enthusiastic. Laura seemed pathetic and annoying. She was like a winey little 3 year old. I didn't really like her and was a little concerned about how I would play someone I didn't like. I mean does that even matter? I'm not sure. Do you need to like a character in order to play them? Is that necessary? I've always thought that that was very important. To be honest I've never played a character I didn't like. But what if you're playing the most evil villain, with no redeemable qualities, plotting to take over the world? Take Hitler for example. If you're cast as Hitler in a Broadway show I think it's safe to say that you don't like that character, but there's no way you're turning an opportunity like that down. So how do play a part that you don't like 8 shows a week? Well, I think I'm just thinking about it the wrong way. It's not so much "like" as it is "respect". It is the job of the actress to learn to "respect" some quality of her character. No matter how likable or unlikeable they may be, she has to remember that they are human. They have human thoughts and feelings just like anybody else, and it is not only her job to analyze and understand them, but to respect them. Of course this will be harder with some characters than it is with others (Looking back I had a harder time learning to respect Hedy than Chava, even without realizing it). But who ever said acting was easy? So whether I like Laura or not I have to respect her. Who knows though, maybe she'll grow on me?
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