Friday...

Friday was good. I think I would call it a breakthrough, well a small one at least. It's funny because I was exhausted, not feeling that great, and not really in the mood to be doing this. That was the key though.
When Andrew and I were working on the scene I was mostly focused on memorizing it so I would be able to perform it at 2:15 (and wouldn't get yelled at). I was tired and so I wasn't really focused on the "acting". I wasn't trying and that might have been the best thing I could've done. I didn't realize it at the time but this let me focus on Andrew and not worry about what I was doing. I wasn't concerned about being good and so I wasn't caught up with myself. For the first time in my life I wasn't over analyzing my every move and that was very refreshing. It felt free and easy. This also helped with something else... Nerves. I know it sounds silly because these are my friends but whenever I have to perform for STAC I get nervous. Sometimes nerves help me but other times they kill me. They make me freeze up and stiff and fake. It's the most frustrating thing in the world. A second before it will be fine, but once I'm in front of an audience it suddenly sucks. Of course this is a result of my "self analysis" and since I wasn't doing that here something strange happened. Something that I don't think ever happened before. When I was doing it for the class it was better (and easier even) than when we were doing it alone. I wasn't as aware of the audience as I usually am. Of course there was apart of me that wanted to perform for them and be "good" but even still, most of my attention was on Andrew. As I was doing the scene I didn't have this false sense of acting like I usually do. It didn't feel like acting at all. It was just me and Andrew having a conversation with words that weren't our own. I was truly present. I'm not really sure what else to say. I don't really think the answer is I have to be tired whenever I act. I wish there was an answer. Like a formula or something that I could use to get me to this place. Of course there is not. All I can do is try not to be so self-analytical, which will help me as an actress and a person.