Over Thanksgiving break I saw No Man's Land starring Sir Ian McKellen and Sir Patrick Stewart.
To be completely honest, as much as it pains me to say it, I didn't like the play. It might have been partly because I didn't feel well and partly because I didn't do the proper research before hand, but I simply didn't get it. I think my sister put it very well, "There was nothing active." Nothing really happens. If you asked me to describe the plot- the problem, climax, resolution etc. I couldn't do it. It seemed to have no plot. More importantly however, the character's didn't want anything. Their objectives were not clear and so it was hard to form opinions of them. I wasn't emotionally involved with the characters and so when the play ended, I was confused as to why I had just invested myself for the past 2 hours. Except for the fact that, for two hours, I was graced with the honor of seeing two of the best actors (of our time) perform on the stage.
Whenever I see a show there is always a part of my brain that goes into note-taking mode. It tries to extract every detail of their performance, analyze it, and then commit it to memory - while the other part of my brain tries to simply watch and enjoy the show of course. In the case of these two actors, there is quit a lot to take notes on, and recounting it all now would take too much time. So I will focus on one particular point that I think is most valuable for me at this moment.
Movement. I think one of the tell tale signs of an experienced actor is their movement - or lack there of. As an inexperienced actor we often move to much, whether it be our hands, our focus, of heads, or our feet. We do this for several different reasons:
1. We have so many ideas and can't decide what to do because we don't make specific enough choices
2. We wrongly think it adds something to our performance, but it doesn't - moving for the sake of moving just looks silly
3. We use it as a distraction so we don't truly have to commit ourselves emotionally, because that makes us vulnerable (and we don't like that)
No matter what the reason we are all guilty of it, but I hadn't realized just how detrimental it can be until now. McKellen and Stuart are powerful actors, and their power lies in their stillness. They don't move, they are practically like statues, it's quit the thing to see. Their lack of movement allows you to see them, all of them, with no distractions. They are incredibly vulnerable but that's what makes them so extraordinary.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
One more Big Think...
As we've established I'm not religious and I do not observe Shabbat. But maybe I should? Or at least partake in a "Technology Shabbat". To say that we are addicted to technology, that it has taken over our lives and consumes us 24/7 is an understatement. It's become an extension of ourselves. We have come to believe that we can't live without it. Somehow we have found that connecting with millions of people we don't even know is more important that connecting with our friends and families (I truly believe Technology can lead to world peace, but that means it's very powerful, and when not used carefully has the potential to do just as much harm as good). So maybe we should all observe a "Technology Shabbat", whether we are jewish or not. If we unplug, take our eyes off the screen, and actually look at what's around us I think we would be a lot happier. I think we would appreciate more. I think we would learn more. I think we would experience our life more. When you really think about, we have traded the real world for a virtual world. Maybe it's because it's safer, maybe it's because it's in our control... I don' know. But all I know is that the benefit of leaving the virtual world from time to time and reentering the real world is invaluable. I'm going to make a vow to every once and a while stop instagramming my lunch, and actually sit back and enjoy the meal.
The next Big Think...
The only thing that separates humans from all other animals is our ability to create art. It is our need to communicate. Our hunger to explain. And our overpowering want to connect with others. A humans being purpose isn't to merely survive physically, like most other animals who are driven by a hunger food in order to sustain themselves. We need to feed our minds and our souls, not just our bodies. The meaning of life can very well be simply to survive it, but I don't think humans will ever accept that (even if that's all there is to it). It's our desire to find meaning (even in places where there is no meaning to be found). We want something more. And we get it - at least artists do. Artists embody this human need, hunger, want and desire. It exists in everybody but it's more powerful for us artists. I don't think this makes us more special (although we like to think it does). I think it simply makes us more human. More weak. More imperfect. More vulnerable. More sensitive... the list goes on and on. Because if life is truly about survival, and it's survival of the fittest, than where does that leave us weak, sensitive and vulnerable artists? It leaves us in the studio creating, because that's all that we can be certain of.
Another Big Think...
Technology gives a voice to billions of people who previously have had none.
I don't know if this sounds entirely too idealistic but I think technology can lead to world peace.
The most important thing in relationship is communication. We, as the human race, are all in a relationship with each other. In order for this relationship to be a healthy and sustainable one we need to listen, respect, and learn about each other. How can we do this? Technology. Technology allows us to talk to someone half way around the world in a matter of seconds. We can text people in Australia and Skype with people in Japan. Technology connects us like never before. Please excuse my corny metaphor but Technology is a thread than sew up this gaping hole that is tearing our world apart. I don't think humans are innately bad - although watching about 30 seconds of any news show might convince you otherwise. I think our main problem is that we don't listen. We are ignorant, oblivious, and a little self involved. Our most important sense, hearing, is probably the weakest. Sight is much stronger. Hearing about a horrible genocide in Uganda maybe will make us frown for a few seconds and let out a sigh, but it does nothing to truly affect us. However talking with someone who has survived it. Or seeing photos of the dead and wounded victims. THAT affects us like nothing else can. Humans are visual beings. After all, a pictures worth a thousand words. And technology is a medium that allows us to share these "pictures" with the world.
I think technology can excite passion, compassion, kindness, tolerance, and empathy. And that's the key to world peace- understanding.
I don't know if this sounds entirely too idealistic but I think technology can lead to world peace.
The most important thing in relationship is communication. We, as the human race, are all in a relationship with each other. In order for this relationship to be a healthy and sustainable one we need to listen, respect, and learn about each other. How can we do this? Technology. Technology allows us to talk to someone half way around the world in a matter of seconds. We can text people in Australia and Skype with people in Japan. Technology connects us like never before. Please excuse my corny metaphor but Technology is a thread than sew up this gaping hole that is tearing our world apart. I don't think humans are innately bad - although watching about 30 seconds of any news show might convince you otherwise. I think our main problem is that we don't listen. We are ignorant, oblivious, and a little self involved. Our most important sense, hearing, is probably the weakest. Sight is much stronger. Hearing about a horrible genocide in Uganda maybe will make us frown for a few seconds and let out a sigh, but it does nothing to truly affect us. However talking with someone who has survived it. Or seeing photos of the dead and wounded victims. THAT affects us like nothing else can. Humans are visual beings. After all, a pictures worth a thousand words. And technology is a medium that allows us to share these "pictures" with the world.
I think technology can excite passion, compassion, kindness, tolerance, and empathy. And that's the key to world peace- understanding.
Big Think, again...
Babies are better scientists than adults. That honestly doesn't surprise me. Apparently it's because babies have more neural and synapses connections being formed than adults do. I just think it's because babies are more curious that adults are. Every thing is new for them so everything excites them. They see something that they don't know about and they want to learn more. They have a passion for learning that we loose as we get older. Even as a 17 year old, I merely accept what I don't know. My interest in learning is limited to simply finding out more about what I already know. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing all the time. It means I am always working to get better and improving my skills. But it's also kind of sad. Things that we have no clue about should excite us, but they don't. There are two explanations for this: either humans are scared or lazy. I think it's a little bit of both. I think humans are born as close to perfection as they ever will be. They are pure, clean, and untouched. But as they grown they are tainted and torn and stained. As we grow up we become less and less perfect. Part of this imperfection is our lack of curiosity. Those of us who this doesn't apply to are not more perfect than the next guy, they simply work harder at overcoming it. They don't allow their laziness or fear to get in the way.
The moral of the story? Don't ever grow up.
The moral of the story? Don't ever grow up.
Big Think...
Going along with the theme of religion... Who's to say that god exists? Who's to say that he/she doesn't?
How can any one say "I know there is no god". But how can anyone say "I know confidently there is a god". There's no way to prove it and there's no way to disprove. This further proves that religion is a bunch of rubbish but it also proves that you can't truly ride it off. Religion was created to explain why things are the way they are but Religion itself can't be explained. Therefore Religion doesn't really serve it's purpose but at the same time who are we to determine it's purpose if we don't even understand it. When I think about this Big Think by head hurts. There's no answer. It's a circle. How do you prove or disprove something that has no proof. You either have to blindly believe or blindly reject. Either way, you're blind, and that doesn't sound too good to me. That's just one more reason that I choose art. Honestly I wish I could believe in god. To believe so fully and whole heartedly is admirable. I am envious of those who have such faith without the need of evidence or proof. But I can't be like that. I can't be blind. Which is why art is my religion. Like I said before, I need something to believe in, and it can't be religion. Despite all my problems I have with religion, the main reason I don't choose it is because I don't know what to make of it. Whether this is how god "intended" it or not, I don't know and I don't care. I can't believe in someone who doesn't have the guts to prove their existence (because if this is how god intended it, it seems kind of cowardly if you ask me). Again, this is why I choose art. Artists are the gutsiest people alive. They are brave... they take risks... they have faith (and not in some god, but in themselves). Those are the kind of people who I want to believe in. That's the kind of person I want to be.
How can any one say "I know there is no god". But how can anyone say "I know confidently there is a god". There's no way to prove it and there's no way to disprove. This further proves that religion is a bunch of rubbish but it also proves that you can't truly ride it off. Religion was created to explain why things are the way they are but Religion itself can't be explained. Therefore Religion doesn't really serve it's purpose but at the same time who are we to determine it's purpose if we don't even understand it. When I think about this Big Think by head hurts. There's no answer. It's a circle. How do you prove or disprove something that has no proof. You either have to blindly believe or blindly reject. Either way, you're blind, and that doesn't sound too good to me. That's just one more reason that I choose art. Honestly I wish I could believe in god. To believe so fully and whole heartedly is admirable. I am envious of those who have such faith without the need of evidence or proof. But I can't be like that. I can't be blind. Which is why art is my religion. Like I said before, I need something to believe in, and it can't be religion. Despite all my problems I have with religion, the main reason I don't choose it is because I don't know what to make of it. Whether this is how god "intended" it or not, I don't know and I don't care. I can't believe in someone who doesn't have the guts to prove their existence (because if this is how god intended it, it seems kind of cowardly if you ask me). Again, this is why I choose art. Artists are the gutsiest people alive. They are brave... they take risks... they have faith (and not in some god, but in themselves). Those are the kind of people who I want to believe in. That's the kind of person I want to be.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Art is my religion...
Talking about myth got me thinking, I really hate religion. I identify with being jewish but it's the cultural aspect (ie. Hanukkah and the food) that is important to me, not all the gibber gabber that's in the torah. I think religion has admirable intentions but it does more harm than good. Instead of promoting love it promotes hate. It's a tool that simply doesn't work. It's a machine that will lead to the destruction of the human race. I just think we tried, but it's time to give up. I also don't believe in god. Don't get me wrong I consider myself to be a very spiritual person. I believe in a higher power, just not in the god that religion presents to us.
In class we talked about the purpose of myth and religion. Why do we have it? It was created to explain things that can't be explained with simple logic and reasoning. It's meant to give us comfort and remind us that we're not alone. It shows us other people who have gone through the same things that we are going through and have gotten through it. It gives us hope. It warns us of what can become of us if we make the wrong decisions and do bad things. It teaches us lessons.
This sounds oddly familiar. It sounds like a movie. Movie's essentially serve the same purpose as religion. They comfort, inspire, and teach us. I've decided that since I hate religion, I need something else to believe in. I choose movies. My religion is movies. And my favorite characters are like my version of god. Actually I think they're better than god. Unlike god, they are not these all powerful beings that have no basis in reality or proof of existence (or instill fear to get you to do good things). Instead, they are real people, who you know don't really exist, but inspire you anyway. They relate to you and teach you how and why you should do good things. They are much more relevant and useful than god is.
This got me thinking which characters would I file under this category. Harry Potter was the first that came to mind. I would much rather believe in Harry Potter than some old guy who lives in the sky, has a beard and wears a robe and sandals. Like I said before, it's more useful to believe in Harry Potter. He's a person who has struggled, experienced pain, doubted, suffered, persevered, fought, and survived. God on the other hand is this all powerful being who can do pretty much anything with the snap of his fingers. In my opinion he doesn't have much to offer me. Harry is a much better role model. He's an inspiration. He's someone I can really learn from.
Of course this doesn't only apply to Harry Potter and it most certainly doesn't only apply to movies. Dance is my religion. Music is my religion. Books are my religion. To put it simply, Art is my religion. Art is about explaining things that can not be explained with words. It's about reaching out and touching people. It inspires, it gives hope, it teaches us, it comforts us. Most importantly though, it's about creating... making this world into something beautiful. It's the same as religion but better. Because religion celebrates what god has created. Art celebrates what we have created, and that's definitely something I want to believe in.
In class we talked about the purpose of myth and religion. Why do we have it? It was created to explain things that can't be explained with simple logic and reasoning. It's meant to give us comfort and remind us that we're not alone. It shows us other people who have gone through the same things that we are going through and have gotten through it. It gives us hope. It warns us of what can become of us if we make the wrong decisions and do bad things. It teaches us lessons.
This sounds oddly familiar. It sounds like a movie. Movie's essentially serve the same purpose as religion. They comfort, inspire, and teach us. I've decided that since I hate religion, I need something else to believe in. I choose movies. My religion is movies. And my favorite characters are like my version of god. Actually I think they're better than god. Unlike god, they are not these all powerful beings that have no basis in reality or proof of existence (or instill fear to get you to do good things). Instead, they are real people, who you know don't really exist, but inspire you anyway. They relate to you and teach you how and why you should do good things. They are much more relevant and useful than god is.
This got me thinking which characters would I file under this category. Harry Potter was the first that came to mind. I would much rather believe in Harry Potter than some old guy who lives in the sky, has a beard and wears a robe and sandals. Like I said before, it's more useful to believe in Harry Potter. He's a person who has struggled, experienced pain, doubted, suffered, persevered, fought, and survived. God on the other hand is this all powerful being who can do pretty much anything with the snap of his fingers. In my opinion he doesn't have much to offer me. Harry is a much better role model. He's an inspiration. He's someone I can really learn from.
Of course this doesn't only apply to Harry Potter and it most certainly doesn't only apply to movies. Dance is my religion. Music is my religion. Books are my religion. To put it simply, Art is my religion. Art is about explaining things that can not be explained with words. It's about reaching out and touching people. It inspires, it gives hope, it teaches us, it comforts us. Most importantly though, it's about creating... making this world into something beautiful. It's the same as religion but better. Because religion celebrates what god has created. Art celebrates what we have created, and that's definitely something I want to believe in.
Shakespeare...
The two most important things I learned at the Workshop?
1. Shakespeare can be fun (and silly and crazy)
2. How to spell Shakespeare
I think I'm in the minority of High School students who actually like Shakespeare. Though my knowledge is limited (I've only read 4 plays). So I was very excited to hear that we were having a Shakespeare workshop. Acting in a Shakespeare play is definitely on my bucket list. I've never done it (which I think is okay considering I'm only 17) but I've always wanted to.
The workshop definitely met my expectations. I loved it. A lot of times workshops are challenging and serious (which isn't a bad thing), but this was just really fun (along with being challenging of course). I knew I would enjoy myself but I was surprised at how fun this was. I had this idea of Shakespeare being deep and complicated. I always thought that acting Shakespeare would be really serious and would take lots of analyzing and work and focus and seriousness. And I think this can be true. But, what I learned on Thursday was that Shakespeare is just Shakespeare. It has this big bad reputation but acting it is just like acting anything else. Yes, no matter how you slice it Shakespeare is hard, but it doesn't mean it can't be fun, silly, crazy, and quit frankly, simple. At the workshop I learned just how fun, silly, crazy, and simple it can be.
We started with looking through our sonnets and picking out our favorite words. Next we closed our eyes, and imagined what each word would look like (fun). Then we put actions and sounds to each word (silly). Lastly, we performed our sonnets while doing these actions (crazy). And it surprisingly worked (simple). I went first (going along with my theme of how much I've grown, I was proud of myself for just jumping in- and it wasn't that scary- which was really cool). I did the monologue with the actions for the class. Although it felt a little strange, it wasn't scary and it wasn't hard. It was just like what we do with any other monologue (physical action subtext). It didn't take a lot of thinking. It didn't take a lot of analyzing. It was just Shakespeare.
I'm glad I cleared up this misconception and I can't wait for our next workshop.
Most importantly though, I'm glad that I can finally spell Shakespeare.
1. Shakespeare can be fun (and silly and crazy)
2. How to spell Shakespeare
I think I'm in the minority of High School students who actually like Shakespeare. Though my knowledge is limited (I've only read 4 plays). So I was very excited to hear that we were having a Shakespeare workshop. Acting in a Shakespeare play is definitely on my bucket list. I've never done it (which I think is okay considering I'm only 17) but I've always wanted to.
The workshop definitely met my expectations. I loved it. A lot of times workshops are challenging and serious (which isn't a bad thing), but this was just really fun (along with being challenging of course). I knew I would enjoy myself but I was surprised at how fun this was. I had this idea of Shakespeare being deep and complicated. I always thought that acting Shakespeare would be really serious and would take lots of analyzing and work and focus and seriousness. And I think this can be true. But, what I learned on Thursday was that Shakespeare is just Shakespeare. It has this big bad reputation but acting it is just like acting anything else. Yes, no matter how you slice it Shakespeare is hard, but it doesn't mean it can't be fun, silly, crazy, and quit frankly, simple. At the workshop I learned just how fun, silly, crazy, and simple it can be.
We started with looking through our sonnets and picking out our favorite words. Next we closed our eyes, and imagined what each word would look like (fun). Then we put actions and sounds to each word (silly). Lastly, we performed our sonnets while doing these actions (crazy). And it surprisingly worked (simple). I went first (going along with my theme of how much I've grown, I was proud of myself for just jumping in- and it wasn't that scary- which was really cool). I did the monologue with the actions for the class. Although it felt a little strange, it wasn't scary and it wasn't hard. It was just like what we do with any other monologue (physical action subtext). It didn't take a lot of thinking. It didn't take a lot of analyzing. It was just Shakespeare.
I'm glad I cleared up this misconception and I can't wait for our next workshop.
Most importantly though, I'm glad that I can finally spell Shakespeare.
A pill...
Last week I had a breakthrough: I swallowed a pill with water.
I was in school and suddenly a huge throbbing headache overcame me. I needed to take Advil to lessen the excruciating pain but I had a problem... there was no applesauce. Yes, I was 17 years old and I needed to put a pill in apple sauce in order to swallow it. I was afraid of swallowing a pill with water because after all I could choke and die. But when I say I had a headache that is an understatement. My head had never hurt so badly in my life. I knew despite my lack of apple sauce I needed to take this pill. I had two options: I could either risk taking the pill with water and possibly die, or I could not take the pill and definitely die (from my head exploding in pain). I chose the first option. So with a deep breath, I put the pill on my tongue and took a big gulp of water. And what happened? It worked. I didn't die. And my head felt better. I realized that I've swallowed pills a million times, the only difference was that apple sauce hid it. So I was essentially afraid of doing something that I've already done. My fear was totally illogical. It was all in my head.
This ridiculous metaphor represents an important lesson I've learned this quarter. This lesson is that my fear is all in my head. In other words, I'm afraid of things that just aren't worth being afraid of (ie. I'm afraid of problems that don't exist). I think a problem I have is I under estimate myself. I think I can do a lot more than I think I can do. No. I KNOW I can do a lot more than I think I can do. I'm not saying I don't believe in myself (because I do), but... How should I put this? I don't "think" in myself. To put this in terms that actually make sense: I know in my heart that I can do it but in my head there are always a billion doubts. As much as I believe in myself I doubt myself just as much. So this year will be about continuing to believe in myself but learning to doubt myself less. Because self doubt is the worst thing you can possibly allow yourself to partake in.
I was in school and suddenly a huge throbbing headache overcame me. I needed to take Advil to lessen the excruciating pain but I had a problem... there was no applesauce. Yes, I was 17 years old and I needed to put a pill in apple sauce in order to swallow it. I was afraid of swallowing a pill with water because after all I could choke and die. But when I say I had a headache that is an understatement. My head had never hurt so badly in my life. I knew despite my lack of apple sauce I needed to take this pill. I had two options: I could either risk taking the pill with water and possibly die, or I could not take the pill and definitely die (from my head exploding in pain). I chose the first option. So with a deep breath, I put the pill on my tongue and took a big gulp of water. And what happened? It worked. I didn't die. And my head felt better. I realized that I've swallowed pills a million times, the only difference was that apple sauce hid it. So I was essentially afraid of doing something that I've already done. My fear was totally illogical. It was all in my head.
This ridiculous metaphor represents an important lesson I've learned this quarter. This lesson is that my fear is all in my head. In other words, I'm afraid of things that just aren't worth being afraid of (ie. I'm afraid of problems that don't exist). I think a problem I have is I under estimate myself. I think I can do a lot more than I think I can do. No. I KNOW I can do a lot more than I think I can do. I'm not saying I don't believe in myself (because I do), but... How should I put this? I don't "think" in myself. To put this in terms that actually make sense: I know in my heart that I can do it but in my head there are always a billion doubts. As much as I believe in myself I doubt myself just as much. So this year will be about continuing to believe in myself but learning to doubt myself less. Because self doubt is the worst thing you can possibly allow yourself to partake in.
Deformed Baby...
The whole process of creating and filming was really fun but the process of editing and showing was what really taught me something (because it was all new). I've never edited a movie before and it was definitely an interesting experience. It's a love - hate relationship. It was torture but I enjoyed it. Editing a 5 minute movie took probably about 15 hours. I think this was partly because of my lack of skill and partly because editing is really hard. I learned a lot editing this movie and my skills definitely improved. But the most important thing I learned is how hard it is (which I already knew but I had know idea just how hard). Who knew that editing 30 seconds could take 2 hours? Who knew that by either including or cutting .5 seconds of the shot could totally change the flow of the sequence? Who knew that the music can either make or break the whole movie? Who knew just how many decisions you have to make? This experience totally revolutionized the way I think of movie making. Before, when thinking about how a movie is made the first words that come to mind are directors and actors. Then writers, producers, costume and set designers, camera men, composers, advertising committees... but way way way down the list was editors. Now I know that these people belong at the very top. Yes the story is the story and the shots are the shots but how a movie is edited can totally transform it. The editors are perhaps the most powerful and influential people working on a film. As I edited the movie, I shaped it, and that was a really cool experience. I knew that if any other person in my group were to edit the same shots it would look totally different. Not better or worse, just different. And that fascinates me. It's amazing how 5 people, who all took part in creating it, and know the movie like the back of their hands could have such different views on how it should look. I knew that with every cut I was making a decision that the members of my group perhaps would not agree with. But this made it exciting. And then when I showed the final cut to my group and they liked it, this made it very rewarding. All those 15 hours really paid off. At this point, the movie looked like a brand new beautiful baby.
Then when it was time to show the movie to the class, something happened. Our happy little beautiful baby lost an arm, grew a sixth finger, and got all pale. Our baby had become deformed. As I was watching I became so critical of everything. Nothing looked as good as it did before and the mistakes might as well have been paused, rewinded, and played over and over again. I found myself wanting to speak up and make excuses for the class. I cringed at each awkward cut and fidgeted when the music didn't match the shot. I just didn't like it as much as I had before. Then something surprising happened: everyone else did. Don't get me wrong they had their critiques (as I suddenly saw their were several plot holes that need to be addressed), but for the most part it was a positive review. However it didn't take away all the things that I now knew needed to be fixed. I learned a very important lesson from this. The importance of an outsiders eye can never be overlooked. Just like you should always have your mom edit your research papers and have your friend approve your outfits, you should always show your community your work. There is only so much you are capable of seeing with your own eyes (after all you are a little biased), so at a certain point the only way anything can get better is from the help of others (whether that other is your friend who plays soccer or is a fellow artist in your community - everybody's opinion is valid). So although I'm usually not afraid to ask for help, this taught me just how important it is. Actually it's not just important, it's essential.
Then when it was time to show the movie to the class, something happened. Our happy little beautiful baby lost an arm, grew a sixth finger, and got all pale. Our baby had become deformed. As I was watching I became so critical of everything. Nothing looked as good as it did before and the mistakes might as well have been paused, rewinded, and played over and over again. I found myself wanting to speak up and make excuses for the class. I cringed at each awkward cut and fidgeted when the music didn't match the shot. I just didn't like it as much as I had before. Then something surprising happened: everyone else did. Don't get me wrong they had their critiques (as I suddenly saw their were several plot holes that need to be addressed), but for the most part it was a positive review. However it didn't take away all the things that I now knew needed to be fixed. I learned a very important lesson from this. The importance of an outsiders eye can never be overlooked. Just like you should always have your mom edit your research papers and have your friend approve your outfits, you should always show your community your work. There is only so much you are capable of seeing with your own eyes (after all you are a little biased), so at a certain point the only way anything can get better is from the help of others (whether that other is your friend who plays soccer or is a fellow artist in your community - everybody's opinion is valid). So although I'm usually not afraid to ask for help, this taught me just how important it is. Actually it's not just important, it's essential.
My Shadow...
A while ago I was watching the Disney Channel (yes I am an avid watcher of the Disney Channel and no I am not ashamed) and I came across something very interesting. Ally (from Austin and Ally - which just so happens to be the worst show to ever exist) was performing a song. I could tell almost immediately that it was a mediocre song and a mediocre performance at best. Then something cool happened. Ally walked over to a white screen and a shadow of a man appeared. The man began to dance, and what did Ally do? She began to dance too. Then she walked over to another white screen and a second dancing shadow appeared. Soon there were 5 shadows on the screen and all were dancing. It was really cool (almost too cool to be on Disney Channel). The cool part wasn't the choreography or the interesting lights, but the shadows themselves. They weren't just in the background they were actually a part of it. Ally wasn't dancing in front of the shadows but with them. What a cool concept right? A tangible thing (Ally), interacting with intangible things (shadows). Though, in the interaction the line between tangible and intangible was blurred. The shadows had a depth and a weight and a texture. They were 3 dimensional. Again, it was really cool. It got me thinking about boundaries. The boundaries between tangible and intangible, concrete and abstract, reality and fantasy. I saw this commercial over a month ago and it has stuck with me. The performance was less than extraordinary but the idea of it really attached itself to my brain. It's the idea that the boundary between reality and fantasy are a lot smaller than you would think. There's really not so much of a difference other than the way we interpret them. Who's to say that a shadow isn't just as real, or even more so than the thing that produces it. Just because we can't touch something doesn't mean it's fake. Who's to say that the shadows aren't the producers and we are merely the image it creates? I like turning things on their heads like thins. It's like when you think about dreams. What if your dreams were what is real and what you think is your life is actually just a creation of your subconscious. So this stupid little Disney Channel Commercial made me realize something: you should never merely accept anything in the way it is supposed to be viewed - even if it seems to make sense. I don't know what I want to do with this yet but I really love the idea of dancing with shadows. Dancing as an art form really inhabits this idea of intangible/tangible, concrete/abstract, reality/fantasy. Other art forms are much more concrete. You either sing the notes of the song or not. You either speak the lines of the script or not. You either paint a stroke on the canvas or not. But with dance it is different. Yes the choreography is the choreography and the steps are the steps but a dancers instrument is their body. Every person's body is different so therefore the choreography will be different on every dancer. There is nothing constant. Like a reoccurring dream, dance is different every time. Even the same dancer can never dance the same piece in the exact same way twice. It always changes. So if it's different every single time than a dance enters that boundary between tangible and intangible, concrete and abstract, fantasy and reality. When you dance you live in that boundary, and that's really cool.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Text messages, Knifes, and barbecue sauce...
I would like to say that I am having so much fun filming our horror movie. During the pre-production process it was tedious, boring, and headache inducing. Yet all the while there was a meager sense of excitement and anticipation lingering far in the distance, and now it's here. We're filming and I find myself counting down the hours to 7th period so we can get started.
What I love more than anything is never knowing what's going to happen. We tirelessly planned, and re-planned, and planned again every shot. Yet what I pictured in my head was never as cool as what I saw through the lens. Quit often what we see in our imaginations is better than reality, but not here, and I think that's really cool. Our film is the product of the best parts of mine, Grace's, Andrew's, Brian's, and Danny's imaginations, so it's no wonder that it's better than what I could've produced on my own. This is a very valuable lesson to learn. The sheer power of numbers is something not to be overlooked. Collaboration is a key ingredient in success. It doesn't matter what comes out of your own mind, it only matters how you apply what comes out of others. You have to put ego aside and merely look at quality of ideas, and I am proud of my group, because we've been quit successful in this. I really want to sit and brag about the cool things we did but you'll just have to wait and see it! So, I'll continue on with my experience behind the scenes.
It is obvious that my group has some very strong personalities, and you would think this would cause some... tumult and tension. But you would be wrong. I don't think I've ever been involved in a group project were there was so little conflict. Not to leave us entirely credit-less because I think it's partly because we are all older and more mature (and more civil). But I think the major reason is because we are all passionate about our project. We all have a common goal: making the best horror film possible, and as a result, when there is a difference in opinion, we simply try to find the best solution (because that will mean making the best movie). I want to remember this and somehow harvest this for the future when working in other groups. If this can be achieved more often then the "group project" wont seem so menacing - actually to be honest I personally always enjoyed group projects because I hate working alone and really like depending on people but anyway...
I want to take a moment and reflect on a very interesting shot we had to shoot today. To avoid spoilers all I'll say is I had to take a mouthful of barbecue sauce and water, and have it dribble out of my mouth. I don't know what it was, but there was something so cool about it. I had a weird sense of accomplishment and pride about it. It sounds silly I know, but despite the really bad after taste and queasy stomach, it made me feel really good. I think it was the fact that I was willing to do it. It was weird, I probably looked ridiculous. And I was really wanted to do it. I was excited to do it. Four years ago I wouldn't have been so willing. I remember freshman year we were filming a commercial where we all had to put on crazy make-up and I was really uncomfortable and awkward about it. I remember Zach turning to me and saying, "I can't wait until you're a senior. You're going to be willing to do the craziest s***!"It's weird how I remember this so clearly. But this has become sort of a theme for me this year. Reflecting on who I was as a freshman, who I am now, and seeing how much I've grown. Because I've grown a lot - and this is quit comforting. No matter how scary College is, the prospect that I have another four years of extreme personal growth ahead of me never fails to have me counting down the days until graduation
... Don't get me wrong though- It's still scary. And I definitely don't want to rush it.
What I love more than anything is never knowing what's going to happen. We tirelessly planned, and re-planned, and planned again every shot. Yet what I pictured in my head was never as cool as what I saw through the lens. Quit often what we see in our imaginations is better than reality, but not here, and I think that's really cool. Our film is the product of the best parts of mine, Grace's, Andrew's, Brian's, and Danny's imaginations, so it's no wonder that it's better than what I could've produced on my own. This is a very valuable lesson to learn. The sheer power of numbers is something not to be overlooked. Collaboration is a key ingredient in success. It doesn't matter what comes out of your own mind, it only matters how you apply what comes out of others. You have to put ego aside and merely look at quality of ideas, and I am proud of my group, because we've been quit successful in this. I really want to sit and brag about the cool things we did but you'll just have to wait and see it! So, I'll continue on with my experience behind the scenes.
It is obvious that my group has some very strong personalities, and you would think this would cause some... tumult and tension. But you would be wrong. I don't think I've ever been involved in a group project were there was so little conflict. Not to leave us entirely credit-less because I think it's partly because we are all older and more mature (and more civil). But I think the major reason is because we are all passionate about our project. We all have a common goal: making the best horror film possible, and as a result, when there is a difference in opinion, we simply try to find the best solution (because that will mean making the best movie). I want to remember this and somehow harvest this for the future when working in other groups. If this can be achieved more often then the "group project" wont seem so menacing - actually to be honest I personally always enjoyed group projects because I hate working alone and really like depending on people but anyway...
I want to take a moment and reflect on a very interesting shot we had to shoot today. To avoid spoilers all I'll say is I had to take a mouthful of barbecue sauce and water, and have it dribble out of my mouth. I don't know what it was, but there was something so cool about it. I had a weird sense of accomplishment and pride about it. It sounds silly I know, but despite the really bad after taste and queasy stomach, it made me feel really good. I think it was the fact that I was willing to do it. It was weird, I probably looked ridiculous. And I was really wanted to do it. I was excited to do it. Four years ago I wouldn't have been so willing. I remember freshman year we were filming a commercial where we all had to put on crazy make-up and I was really uncomfortable and awkward about it. I remember Zach turning to me and saying, "I can't wait until you're a senior. You're going to be willing to do the craziest s***!"It's weird how I remember this so clearly. But this has become sort of a theme for me this year. Reflecting on who I was as a freshman, who I am now, and seeing how much I've grown. Because I've grown a lot - and this is quit comforting. No matter how scary College is, the prospect that I have another four years of extreme personal growth ahead of me never fails to have me counting down the days until graduation
... Don't get me wrong though- It's still scary. And I definitely don't want to rush it.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Lois Lane...
I've started to think about my character in Kiss Me Kate and this is what I have so far...
The nice thing about Lois Lane is she is very open, honest and upfront about her intentions. Although she is a little sneaky and conniving, she doesn't try to hid it in the way you would expect. In the first scene we see her acting very flirtatious with Freddie and clearly trying to impress him. In the next scene she admits that she is merely using him to get ahead. "I'll never forgive you if anything happens to Mr. Graham before I'm a star on Broadway." She knows he is the key to getting what she wants. Yet there is something more to her infatuation with Freddie Graham. The cause of her "obsession" with him lies in the way he makes her feel... special. All her life all she's wanted was to feel loved and to be taken seriously. Freddie gives her that and so she clings to him. Freddie has taken an interest in her as an actress and that means the world to her. She respects and looks up to Freddie, and the fact that he is telling her how special she is, makes her interpret that warm feeling in the pit of her stomach as love (but it's really gratitude and confidence). The man she really loves is Bill. She is angry with him because 1. He is not taking her seriously like Freddie is and 2. He is threatening everything Freddie has given her, however there is no doubt in my mind that she truly loves him. She knows that if Bill doesn't learn to behave then this show, her career, and her feeling of confidence and "specialness" is in jeopardy. In the song Why Don't you Behave we learn that Lois, despite her fantastical desire to become a brilliant actress and cultured performer, dreams of settling down with Bill and taking the roll of doting wife. Many of her actions contradict this but Lois is deeply in love with Bill and only wants what's best for him- even though he drives her nuts! Although it is her character Bianca who sings Tom Dick or Harry, it gives us insight into Lois's contradictory actions. The basic message of the song is, I'll marry anyone who wants to marry me. Lois has an inferiority complex. She so wants to be wanted that she'll eagerly indulge in the attention no matter what the consequences. She needs to have all eyes on her in order to feel seen. Most importantly, she places her value as a person in her popularity, not her own feelings of self worth. She has a lack of self respect that is very clearly depicted in her interaction with the General. The General is a man of high status and respect who has shown interest in Lois. Although it is clear that he only wants to have sex with her, Lois doesn't seem to mind. On the contrary she seems to flaunt it. His interest, however superficial, makes Lois feel special. The extent to which she'll go to feel special is expressed in the following song, "Always True to You in My Fashion." She's basically saying, I'm going to sleep around with a bunch of guys because 1. It's fun and 2. They give me stuff. She sees nothing wrong with her indiscretions because she really does love Bill. At the end of the day, Bill is the only person who can truly make her feel special because he is the only one who loves her for her.
I can not tell you how good this makes me feel. I'm funny. I always dread doing work but then when I'm actually doing it, I end up enjoying myself. I don't think I'll ever learn my lesson but my dread comes from a fear. A fear that if I really apply myself and fail, then I will have no explanation other than- I wasn't good enough. Leaving successes to chance is a little lazy, irresponsible, and very cowardly. It is something that I simply can no longer allow myself to do. Perhaps I am not giving myself enough credit but there is certainly truth to my babble. My fear of failure is really a fear of success. I sabotage myself. I don't know what that means exactly, but it's true.
I do know that after writing that simple one page analysis I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel as though I am giving myself permission to succeed. It feels good.
The nice thing about Lois Lane is she is very open, honest and upfront about her intentions. Although she is a little sneaky and conniving, she doesn't try to hid it in the way you would expect. In the first scene we see her acting very flirtatious with Freddie and clearly trying to impress him. In the next scene she admits that she is merely using him to get ahead. "I'll never forgive you if anything happens to Mr. Graham before I'm a star on Broadway." She knows he is the key to getting what she wants. Yet there is something more to her infatuation with Freddie Graham. The cause of her "obsession" with him lies in the way he makes her feel... special. All her life all she's wanted was to feel loved and to be taken seriously. Freddie gives her that and so she clings to him. Freddie has taken an interest in her as an actress and that means the world to her. She respects and looks up to Freddie, and the fact that he is telling her how special she is, makes her interpret that warm feeling in the pit of her stomach as love (but it's really gratitude and confidence). The man she really loves is Bill. She is angry with him because 1. He is not taking her seriously like Freddie is and 2. He is threatening everything Freddie has given her, however there is no doubt in my mind that she truly loves him. She knows that if Bill doesn't learn to behave then this show, her career, and her feeling of confidence and "specialness" is in jeopardy. In the song Why Don't you Behave we learn that Lois, despite her fantastical desire to become a brilliant actress and cultured performer, dreams of settling down with Bill and taking the roll of doting wife. Many of her actions contradict this but Lois is deeply in love with Bill and only wants what's best for him- even though he drives her nuts! Although it is her character Bianca who sings Tom Dick or Harry, it gives us insight into Lois's contradictory actions. The basic message of the song is, I'll marry anyone who wants to marry me. Lois has an inferiority complex. She so wants to be wanted that she'll eagerly indulge in the attention no matter what the consequences. She needs to have all eyes on her in order to feel seen. Most importantly, she places her value as a person in her popularity, not her own feelings of self worth. She has a lack of self respect that is very clearly depicted in her interaction with the General. The General is a man of high status and respect who has shown interest in Lois. Although it is clear that he only wants to have sex with her, Lois doesn't seem to mind. On the contrary she seems to flaunt it. His interest, however superficial, makes Lois feel special. The extent to which she'll go to feel special is expressed in the following song, "Always True to You in My Fashion." She's basically saying, I'm going to sleep around with a bunch of guys because 1. It's fun and 2. They give me stuff. She sees nothing wrong with her indiscretions because she really does love Bill. At the end of the day, Bill is the only person who can truly make her feel special because he is the only one who loves her for her.
I can not tell you how good this makes me feel. I'm funny. I always dread doing work but then when I'm actually doing it, I end up enjoying myself. I don't think I'll ever learn my lesson but my dread comes from a fear. A fear that if I really apply myself and fail, then I will have no explanation other than- I wasn't good enough. Leaving successes to chance is a little lazy, irresponsible, and very cowardly. It is something that I simply can no longer allow myself to do. Perhaps I am not giving myself enough credit but there is certainly truth to my babble. My fear of failure is really a fear of success. I sabotage myself. I don't know what that means exactly, but it's true.
I do know that after writing that simple one page analysis I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel as though I am giving myself permission to succeed. It feels good.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Library...
I was listening to the radio a couple of days ago and the song "Fix You" by Coldplay came on. Of course I've heard it before, but I've never really heard it you know? I was walking and it literally stopped me in my tracks. It was one of those really intimate weird moments that make you feel wonderful and freaks out at the same time. There is something about the lyrics that really speak to me.
I know we're talking about moving away from needing inspiration, but lets be real, we all like to be inspired. I think the most important function of our library is to provide us with inspiration. That's exactly what this song does so I am filling it away as the first official piece in my library. It's a song that evokes such a strong emotional response from me. Even just thinking about now makes me almost want to cry. When I listen to it... I want to sing it, I want to play it on the guitar, I want to choreograph a dance to it, I want to read the lyrics as a monologue, I even want to paint it! It doesn't give me any clear specific ideas immediately, but the inspiration is strong and growing stronger. Take a look:
I feel like I can't relate to it at all and yet I feel like it was written just for me. I think it's safe to say this is my new favorite song. But it's missing something- a really good video. I went on youtube and it appears that Coldplay never made an official music video. They're are bunch of fan made ones but non that evoke the kind of emotion that this song warrants. So, I decided... and I really don't want to say this because it's basically making an unofficial contract with myself that I can't break but... I am going to make a music video.
I know we're talking about moving away from needing inspiration, but lets be real, we all like to be inspired. I think the most important function of our library is to provide us with inspiration. That's exactly what this song does so I am filling it away as the first official piece in my library. It's a song that evokes such a strong emotional response from me. Even just thinking about now makes me almost want to cry. When I listen to it... I want to sing it, I want to play it on the guitar, I want to choreograph a dance to it, I want to read the lyrics as a monologue, I even want to paint it! It doesn't give me any clear specific ideas immediately, but the inspiration is strong and growing stronger. Take a look:
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
I feel like I can't relate to it at all and yet I feel like it was written just for me. I think it's safe to say this is my new favorite song. But it's missing something- a really good video. I went on youtube and it appears that Coldplay never made an official music video. They're are bunch of fan made ones but non that evoke the kind of emotion that this song warrants. So, I decided... and I really don't want to say this because it's basically making an unofficial contract with myself that I can't break but... I am going to make a music video.
My list...
I like making lists, and since I'm on the subject...
My Fears:
1. Not being good enough (as a person and performer)
2. That I'm not special
3. Sadness
4. Fear- yes I fear fear
5. Not wanting to work had/ not being able to/ loosing my drive and passion
6. Love- as sappy as it is
7. Not being a good friend/daughter/sister
8. Success
9. Failure
10. Not being strong enough
11. Not being happy enough
12. That this list is stupid
...To be continued. I think I will add to this weekly.
My Fears:
1. Not being good enough (as a person and performer)
2. That I'm not special
3. Sadness
4. Fear- yes I fear fear
5. Not wanting to work had/ not being able to/ loosing my drive and passion
6. Love- as sappy as it is
7. Not being a good friend/daughter/sister
8. Success
9. Failure
10. Not being strong enough
11. Not being happy enough
12. That this list is stupid
...To be continued. I think I will add to this weekly.
Freeze this Moment...
.."I wish that we could freeze this moment... and live in it forever." That should be my senior quote. Or maybe "I won't grow up. I wont grow up. I WONT GROW UP!"
I think its safe to say I'm having a little bit of trouble with this whole senior thing. I wish, more than anything, that I could be one of those people craving adventure. Someone who was drawn to the unknown, ready to say goodbye to the familiar. I wish, oh how I wish, that I was eager to close this final chapter of my high school career and set out to the real world. Most of all, I wish I wasn't scared. At this point I don't even know what I'm afraid of, but I think what makes the monsters in your closet so scary is that you don't know what they look like. And right about now I feel like I'm locked in that same closet with the monsters looking me straight in the eye, because even though I can't see them, they can sure as hell see me. The worst thing though is that its some outside force that is out my control. It's me. I'm the monster. I'm my own worst enemy. I really don't like this feeling. I don't want to judge my feelings. I want to embrace them and accept them, and learn to love them. But right about now I just want to take a vacuum and suck it out of myself. Of course I know I'm being over dramatic. I think most people feel this way. But that's not too comforting. Well maybe a little but it doesn't give me courage... because that's what I need. At least I think. Courage seems to be the answer to everything. If I had courage, all the amazing things that are about to happen to me wouldn't be scary, they would be exciting.
I'm sitting outside right now, and it's beautiful. The sunlight is shining softly on the grass, the breeze is gently blowing the trees, the crickets are quietly chirping, and the air is clear and crisp. On a day like today it is impossible not to be happy you're alive. Sitting in such a calm environment makes the mumbo jumbo hurricane of emotion in side of me seem almost silly. It truly sounds like the crickets are whispering to me, "Don't worry. Be happy". I think they're right. I simply have to decide not to worry, or at least in beautiful moments like these, wait to worry. In this moment I am going to remind myself of how lucky I am and of how amazing this year will be. It's easy to think of how scary, frightening, and overwhelming life is, but it's also wonderful! Lets take an average day in the life of Sabrina Kalman. I wake up (which is probably the worst part). I sit and eat breakfast with my mom, how can I complain? Then I'm driven to school instead of taking the bus, pretty cool huh? Once I'm at school the one class I can say I like the least is economics, and I get it over with first period. The rest of the day is as follows: Phycology, English, Environmental/Gym (which I could probably live without), Chamber, and of course STAC. STAC is one of the best parts of my day- and I'm not only saying this because this is my STAC blog. It's an outlet for all that mumbo jumbo I feel. It's a place where I can breathe and take the weight of the world off my shoulders. It's a place where I am completely myself, so much so, sometimes I surprise myself. I learn things about myself everyday, and the value of that is indescribable. STAC has given me the freedom and the courage to be me. Looking back at Sabrina four years ago, I can barely recognize her. Although sometimes I wish I could go back to freshman year, and live all of this again, I like who I am now better. I can't make this clear in one sentence so I'll give you a simple example. Freshman year I would not cry in front of others, now I will. It's confidence. Maybe that's why (or at least partly why) I am freaking out. I like my life. These past three years have been the best of all my 17. So really, why would I want to leave? I'm comfortable here. I like it here. People keep telling me how amazing college will be but it's an unknown, and as I already established I don't do well with that. The weird thing is I don't believe I can do it, but I know I can. Does that make any sense at all? Basically I need more faith. I have the logic. I just need to believe in myself more. A lot more. Which is strange because last year I was getting so good at that.
I have to say, writing this all down has made me feel better.
... But even still, in this calmness, I feel like I'm standing in the eye of the Hurricane- hopefully it won't be of the same magnitude as Sandy!
I'm sitting outside right now, and it's beautiful. The sunlight is shining softly on the grass, the breeze is gently blowing the trees, the crickets are quietly chirping, and the air is clear and crisp. On a day like today it is impossible not to be happy you're alive. Sitting in such a calm environment makes the mumbo jumbo hurricane of emotion in side of me seem almost silly. It truly sounds like the crickets are whispering to me, "Don't worry. Be happy". I think they're right. I simply have to decide not to worry, or at least in beautiful moments like these, wait to worry. In this moment I am going to remind myself of how lucky I am and of how amazing this year will be. It's easy to think of how scary, frightening, and overwhelming life is, but it's also wonderful! Lets take an average day in the life of Sabrina Kalman. I wake up (which is probably the worst part). I sit and eat breakfast with my mom, how can I complain? Then I'm driven to school instead of taking the bus, pretty cool huh? Once I'm at school the one class I can say I like the least is economics, and I get it over with first period. The rest of the day is as follows: Phycology, English, Environmental/Gym (which I could probably live without), Chamber, and of course STAC. STAC is one of the best parts of my day- and I'm not only saying this because this is my STAC blog. It's an outlet for all that mumbo jumbo I feel. It's a place where I can breathe and take the weight of the world off my shoulders. It's a place where I am completely myself, so much so, sometimes I surprise myself. I learn things about myself everyday, and the value of that is indescribable. STAC has given me the freedom and the courage to be me. Looking back at Sabrina four years ago, I can barely recognize her. Although sometimes I wish I could go back to freshman year, and live all of this again, I like who I am now better. I can't make this clear in one sentence so I'll give you a simple example. Freshman year I would not cry in front of others, now I will. It's confidence. Maybe that's why (or at least partly why) I am freaking out. I like my life. These past three years have been the best of all my 17. So really, why would I want to leave? I'm comfortable here. I like it here. People keep telling me how amazing college will be but it's an unknown, and as I already established I don't do well with that. The weird thing is I don't believe I can do it, but I know I can. Does that make any sense at all? Basically I need more faith. I have the logic. I just need to believe in myself more. A lot more. Which is strange because last year I was getting so good at that.
I have to say, writing this all down has made me feel better.
... But even still, in this calmness, I feel like I'm standing in the eye of the Hurricane- hopefully it won't be of the same magnitude as Sandy!
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Crowdfunding...
This whole crowdfunding thing is really cool. It's like a combination of crowdsurfing, begging (in the most classy way possible), and winning the lottery. I like the idea of asking strangers for money. Even more so, I love the idea of them actually giving it to us. If there's anybody who can do this, I think we can. No, lets be more confident, I know we can. Not only are we cute and charming kids asking for money for their education so they can study art and follow their dreams and express themselves (and a lot of other corny things) but we, as a group, are really talented and smart! I don't want to sound conceded but it's true. And that's the key. We can of course ask people for money, and tell them how important this program is, and just talk talk talk. But why talk when we can show? I was surfing around Kickstarter and I watched a lot of interesting videos. All of the projects were really interesting and if I was rich I would probably give money to 95% of them. But the best videos (the one's I wanted to give the most money to) were the one's that talked a little bit about their project at the beginning but then actually showed you their work. The worst video I found was a 10 minute long interview about why I should support the Bay One Acts Festival. I mean it sounds interesting, and it seems worthwhile, but apart from being really boring am I just supposed to take their word for it? For all I know this festival could suck. I want some proof before I give money to complete strangers.
Basically, I think we need to do something that will impress people. We need to show off in a polite and sophisticated way. Like the RawDance company in San Francisco. They are trying to raise money for "a theatrical dance installation unearthing where possession lies in the body." Of course it's an interesting project, but instead of just telling us about it, they showed us. For the first few seconds of the video they gave a brief explanation, but after that they simply showed you clips of different dances. The dances were magnificent and so interesting. There was so much that I've never seen before. It impressed me. That's the key. So how will we impress people? We need to make something good. Sounds easy enough right?
I think we should make movies. Since before I was in STAC, the one thing that always came to mind when I think of this program is really interesting and impressive student films. If we can make films that are really good and show people them I think we can get money. There is something about the medium of film that is more relatable than any other medium of art. I think it's because of it's accessibility. It would be difficult to find a person who has not seen a movie, but a little easier to find someone who has never been to MoMa or seen a Ballet. There's a comfort when it comes to film, because of it's familiarity, and because of this I think we can even get away with doing something a little strange. Most importantly I think people are most impressed by films. Maybe it's because it seems more complicated than picking up a paint brush or jumping around in tights? I don't know. But if movies are impressive, and impression means money, then lest make movies! Don't ask what these films will be about or where/ when/ and how we will show them... there's still brainstorming to be done.
Basically, I think we need to do something that will impress people. We need to show off in a polite and sophisticated way. Like the RawDance company in San Francisco. They are trying to raise money for "a theatrical dance installation unearthing where possession lies in the body." Of course it's an interesting project, but instead of just telling us about it, they showed us. For the first few seconds of the video they gave a brief explanation, but after that they simply showed you clips of different dances. The dances were magnificent and so interesting. There was so much that I've never seen before. It impressed me. That's the key. So how will we impress people? We need to make something good. Sounds easy enough right?
I think we should make movies. Since before I was in STAC, the one thing that always came to mind when I think of this program is really interesting and impressive student films. If we can make films that are really good and show people them I think we can get money. There is something about the medium of film that is more relatable than any other medium of art. I think it's because of it's accessibility. It would be difficult to find a person who has not seen a movie, but a little easier to find someone who has never been to MoMa or seen a Ballet. There's a comfort when it comes to film, because of it's familiarity, and because of this I think we can even get away with doing something a little strange. Most importantly I think people are most impressed by films. Maybe it's because it seems more complicated than picking up a paint brush or jumping around in tights? I don't know. But if movies are impressive, and impression means money, then lest make movies! Don't ask what these films will be about or where/ when/ and how we will show them... there's still brainstorming to be done.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Artist Bio...
Sabrina Kalman was born and raised on Long Island in the little town of New Hyde Park (or as she likes to say, "just thirty minutes outside the city"- because it sounds cooler.) She was brought into this world by a musician/singer/songwriter and a singer/actress so it was pretty much inevitable that she would soon fall in love with theatre. Sabrina is, in no particular order, a dancer, actress, and a singer. She began performing at the age of 3 in her living room where she would reenact a one women rendition of Bye Bye Birdie, everyday, at around 3 o'clock. Since then she has gone on to perform in slightly larger venues such as her school auditorium. One day, after she has graduated college of course, she will perform on Broadway and in Film. She believes positivity and optimism are the keys to survival.
So, why you may ask would a person choose such an precarious, difficult, and quit crazy career? It's not the obvious answer; love. Although it is true, Sabrina does indeed have a love for performing. Though the reason is quit hard for her to articulate, she likes to say, "because it's my only shot at happiness". Another way to put it is, "you know when you hold your breath for a long time and then just as you think you're going to burst you suck in all the air you possibly can? It feels so good. It's kind of like that." Sabrina believes that people become artists to answer 2 questions: One, who am I? And two, what is the meaning of life? Somehow, it all boils down to happiness. After all if you're happy, truly happy that is (there are lots of ways to fake happiness) you have either answered those 2 questions, or have found peace in the fact that you may never will. Happiness. It's a very important word for Sabrina. It is why she makes art and it is what she hopes her art will be. If her art can somehow, make someone happy, even if it's for a mere hour or two, than she will consider herself a success.
Performing isn't the only thing that makes Sabrina happy. She also enjoys writing, painting, photography, and playing the guitar. Her back up plan (if the whole Broadway/movie thing doesn't work out) is to be a singer songwriter. Not the most dependable plan B but what's the fun in that? Sabrina is extremely lucky in the fact that she can follow her dreams, because she has some amazing people supporting her. Her fan club, for lack of a better word, includes her parents and her sister. As corny as it may sound, they are also her artistic inspiration and largest influences. Their work, and their approach to their work is something that Sabrina strives to emulate.
Them Heavy People...
This is my last first blog post of the year. Wow.
The hall of mirrors lives in my mind
Can't see at all when the air is still
They whisper their secrets to me, silently
It's echoing, laughing, but I can't hear at all
Rolling the ball, Rolling the ball, Rolling the ball to me...
Monday, April 15, 2013
4th Quarter...
My major will be acting.
I don't think working towards a finished product is necessarily beneficial or productive. I think it will be more enjoyable, less stressful, and free from constraints or confinement if I approach my work as an exploration, not as a rehearsal. Now this may sound like laziness, but it's not. One thing that I learned this quarter is that the true power of the fear of failure. Sometimes it can inspire you to achieve goals you never thought imaginable, but at other times it can discourage you so greatly that the the fear itself can become the very thing that is stopping you from succeeding. I really think if we didn't have that looming thought of performance in the back of our minds, a big obstacle would have been avoided. I believe we would have felt free to explore, and try, and experiment, because if it didn't work, who cares? So, I don't want 4th quarter to be about performance in any way. I want the freedom to explore, and more importantly I want the freedom to fail. I know I am being very vague, and that's simply because I'm really not sure what I should do. I know what I want to do, so that's the first step, but I can't really seem to answer the question of what the end result will be, or where I will get to, or even how I will be evaluated. I'm sorry if I'm not answering any of the questions, but I don't want to give answers just for the sake of giving answers. I mean, in a perfect world I would say that I want to spend 4th Quarter in an acting class (as much as I would love to be able to independently study, I have proven to myself that I'm not ready for that, and that's okay). So, I guess the question is what would be the next best thing?
My minor will be song writing.
Why? That's easy. It's something that I love to do, and haven't done much of. I've written a few songs and the joy I get from it is really hard to express with written words. It's truly an escape, and I think I'll be needing one from time to time (especially in the coming months of SATs, ACTs, APs, Finals, and Regents). I'm starting with 2 finished songs under my belt, and I would love to finish 4th quarter with maybe 4? I really have no clue if that's a reasonable number because I am totally new to this. I would also love to record my songs that I've already written. The idea of recording has always frightened me and I want to over come that.
I don't think working towards a finished product is necessarily beneficial or productive. I think it will be more enjoyable, less stressful, and free from constraints or confinement if I approach my work as an exploration, not as a rehearsal. Now this may sound like laziness, but it's not. One thing that I learned this quarter is that the true power of the fear of failure. Sometimes it can inspire you to achieve goals you never thought imaginable, but at other times it can discourage you so greatly that the the fear itself can become the very thing that is stopping you from succeeding. I really think if we didn't have that looming thought of performance in the back of our minds, a big obstacle would have been avoided. I believe we would have felt free to explore, and try, and experiment, because if it didn't work, who cares? So, I don't want 4th quarter to be about performance in any way. I want the freedom to explore, and more importantly I want the freedom to fail. I know I am being very vague, and that's simply because I'm really not sure what I should do. I know what I want to do, so that's the first step, but I can't really seem to answer the question of what the end result will be, or where I will get to, or even how I will be evaluated. I'm sorry if I'm not answering any of the questions, but I don't want to give answers just for the sake of giving answers. I mean, in a perfect world I would say that I want to spend 4th Quarter in an acting class (as much as I would love to be able to independently study, I have proven to myself that I'm not ready for that, and that's okay). So, I guess the question is what would be the next best thing?
My minor will be song writing.
Why? That's easy. It's something that I love to do, and haven't done much of. I've written a few songs and the joy I get from it is really hard to express with written words. It's truly an escape, and I think I'll be needing one from time to time (especially in the coming months of SATs, ACTs, APs, Finals, and Regents). I'm starting with 2 finished songs under my belt, and I would love to finish 4th quarter with maybe 4? I really have no clue if that's a reasonable number because I am totally new to this. I would also love to record my songs that I've already written. The idea of recording has always frightened me and I want to over come that.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Next...
What do I have planned for 4th quarter? I think it's pretty simple. I want to get better and the only way to do that is to practice. The only problem is, I'm still not so sure what form this "practice" should come in. To be honest, I don't think I really got much better this quarter. Don't get me wrong, this quarter wasn't a total bust, I feel like I learned a lot about myself and that's definitely worth something. However, when it comes to my acting, I might've learned a bit about my problems but I don't think I improved. It felt like the blind leading the blind. Both me and Kadambari hardly any experience rehearsing, staging, and performing a scene all by ourselves. We both needed help, and we both wanted to help each other, but we didn't know how. It was like we were stuck in quick sand, but we weren't necessarily sinking, we were just stuck in place (but quit frankly I'd almost rather be sinking because at least then we'd be going somewhere). So I definitely don't want a repeat of this quarter, but I definitely want to act. Like I said before all I want to do is to get better. If that means working all quarter to get only a fraction of an inch closer to becoming the kind of actress I aspire to be then so be it, but never the less I want that quarter of inch more then anything. An intelligent man once said (I'm paraphrasing here) that there's no such thing as staying still. To put it bluntly, you're either getting better, or you're getting worse, you can't stay the same. That's a scary thought. I don't want to get worse! So the only option is to get better, and again I wish I knew what that meant. Maybe I need to read more? At the very least I could expand my mind if not improve my skill. I think I would like to read about Sanford Meisner. I really don't know anything about him and I really enjoyed the repeating exercises so I think that's a good place to start. I also don't want to spend my whole quarter reading. Why would I want to simply read about acting when I can get up and try it for myself? 10,000 words can't take the place of 10,000 hours. Well, like I said it's a good place to start.
I'm sorry I don't have a clear cut plan, but I guess I'll figure it out.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Blocking...
I was blocked, and the key to getting unblocked was... blocking.
I always say that I'm a physical actress; using my body works a whole lot better than using my mind; working from the outside-in instead of inside-out is the way to go; physical action subtext is my key to success, and yet I never remember to use it! Sometimes I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm lucky enough to have found out what works for me but apparently I'm stupid enough to not apply it. Sometimes I just want to slap myself. Now that I've gotten that off my chest I can continue.
I made a discovery today: Blocking is important! I've always just brushed it off as being no big deal. Why does it matter if you cross right or left, stand up stage or downstage, as long as you're acting is good that's all that matters right? No. It was really my own ignorance. I didn't understand it (still don't) and couldn't do it (still can't) so I deemed it as unimportant. I still have the same exact knowledge about it as I did before (absolutely nothing), but now at least I appreciate it. Blocking is like the blue prints for a house. It provides a strong basis to work from, but it's not set in stone. It gives you a starting point that you can then build something beautiful with, but of course it shouldn't be the focus (if you hired a contractor to build you a house and in the end all they handed you back are the blue prints, you'd be pretty pissed). Most importantly though, without it no matter how hard you try, all you're left with is a flat piece of land and a pile of wood. That's what our scene has been up until now; a flat piece of land and a pile of wood. The blocking consisted of me sitting on the ground, and then sitting on a chair, and Kadambari sitting on a chair and standing up... and we were wondering why the scene sucked! The blocking illustrates the scene. It gives it color and life. Right now our blocking was sucking the life right out of it.
We started by creating the space. The scene takes place in the living room of an apartment building so we decided what it looked like. Where the couch, the door, the phonograph player, and the menagerie case are. This gave us a basis upon which to build off of. As an actress I can sort of feel my way through a scene. I can tell when I should move from point A to point B, wen I should stand or sit, but I have a hard time giving an explanation for it. I also lack detail I can tell you in general when I should move where, but I can't really give you an exact time and place. I think this is because I am more of an actress than a director. Who knows, maybe if I tried I may find I could do it, but I don't posses that intrinsic instinct, like Grace does. There is a line I say, : I couldn't face it". I had been delivering the line while standing up tall and straight looking right at Kadambari. Grace had a suggestion. Since I'm saying I can't face her, why don't I literally turn away from her? It's funny how something so logical never occurred to me. So I tried it, and guess what? The line transformed. It instantly gained a level of reality and believability. I know it sounds silly-it's just one line- but it felt so good. It felt so natural. All I had to do was move my body, I didn't have to think about anything. Like I've said before, thinking is my worst enemy. When I allow my body to do the thinking instead of my brain is when I'm the most successful. Which brings me back to the blocking. I never knew how much it could help my acting. It's not just physical action subtext that works, it's actual physical action. Makes sense right?
The Scene...
I've never really understood how to apply "repeating" to a scene until now. It's all about getting your attention on the other person, because once you do that you're golden. Once I learn to do that 99.9% of my problems will be solved. When we started to do the scene with repeating I noticed that I was getting better. I am not there yet, but I am on the right track. It really clicked for me when I learned to laugh. Kadambari said a line, and it wasn't meant to be funny, but I found it funny, so I laughed and repeated it back to her. The scene went on and I continued to laugh. It was my first instinct and I didn't fight it, even though my brain was telling me that "my character shouldn't be laughing"... "it doesn't make sense in the scene". It's kind of a break through. Before I go on I should address another one of my problems. I think this is a universal problem for all rookie actors. You start thinking "my character is supposed to be feeling ______" so you try with all your power and might to feel that way. To put it simply in the scene my character, Laura is nervous, ashamed, and uncomfortable. My first instinct is to be like okay, take a deep breath, close your eyes, count to 3, and be nervous! Well, that just doesn't work. It's those preconceived ideas of a scene and character that really kills us as actors. We are too worried with making the scene make sense for the audience. If acting is meant to be truthful, the only way we can really tell the truth is by being ourselves (the minute you try to warp your feeling to fit the characters' you're lying). Whatever you're feeling you're feeling, and there's nothing you can really do about it. This concept was always so hard for me to accept but for some reason while we were repeating in the scene it clicked. It didn't matter that I had thought that when Laura says "Please don't stare at me mother" she is ashamed, I was looking at Kadambari who was giving me a funny look, so I laughed. It was so easy, almost too easy. There has to be something more to it. It just seems too passive. This is where my confusion started to kick in. I was re-watching Les Miserables and couldn't get Anne Hathaway out of my mind. Her character Fantine has literally had everything taken away from her. She is the epitome of helplessness, pain, and suffering. When you looked at Anne Hathaway you could almost see it in her eyes. They were filled with sorrow and grief. You could literally see her heartbreak, misery, and despair written across her face. Now, there's no way anyone can tell me that this wasn't truthful. She couldn't have delivered that kind of performance by merely pretending to feel this way. Her feelings and Fantine's feelings coincided. I have a hard time believing this was simply a coincidence. She obviously did something, but what?!?! How did she do it!?!?!?! This has been driving me crazy.
As we continued to rehearse the scene my confusion continued to grow. When we took the repeating out of it, it started to fall apart. Everything that worked before vanished. The truth, the attention, everything! I tried to just let myself be, not to try to make myself feel anything and just let Kadambari affect me, but that didn't work. I tried to put all my focus on Kadambari and forget about myself, and that didn't work either. This time it wasn't out of fear. I literally couldn't see her. My eyes would be looking at her, but something would stop the image from processing in my brain. It's like a brick wall between my eyes and my brain. I didn't know what to do with myself. This was so frustrating because just when I thought I was making a breakthrough, I had a set back. Things were just starting to make sense and then suddenly I was thrown back in to a whirlpool of confusion. It's possible that a major part of the problem was out of my control. This is all new to me and really in the grand scheme of things, I think I know about .00001% about acting. My problem is a lack of experience and only time can fix that.
As we continued to rehearse the scene my confusion continued to grow. When we took the repeating out of it, it started to fall apart. Everything that worked before vanished. The truth, the attention, everything! I tried to just let myself be, not to try to make myself feel anything and just let Kadambari affect me, but that didn't work. I tried to put all my focus on Kadambari and forget about myself, and that didn't work either. This time it wasn't out of fear. I literally couldn't see her. My eyes would be looking at her, but something would stop the image from processing in my brain. It's like a brick wall between my eyes and my brain. I didn't know what to do with myself. This was so frustrating because just when I thought I was making a breakthrough, I had a set back. Things were just starting to make sense and then suddenly I was thrown back in to a whirlpool of confusion. It's possible that a major part of the problem was out of my control. This is all new to me and really in the grand scheme of things, I think I know about .00001% about acting. My problem is a lack of experience and only time can fix that.
Miesner...
We started simple with repeating. I am happy to say I was pleasantly surprised, I liked it. I can remember two years ago when I first encountered this exercise. It was the most unsettling, uncomfortable, awkward, boring, and difficult thing. I kind of dreaded it. My problem was my focus. I spent way too much time worrying about myself instead of focusing on the other person. When it came to repeating I had always struggled with observing my partner because I was too busy observing, and of course judging myself. It's extremely hard to look someone in the eye while you are staring at yourself. It feels as though both you and your partner are teaming up on yourself. Judging and scrutinizing every word you say. It's overwhelming and you simply can't operate like that. You can't live like that. Yet I was. My problem as an actress of course was really just my problem as a human being. As a person my eyes too often would wander and end up looking at myself instead of the world around me. Whether I was judging, double checking, or simply observing it made me blind to what was right in front of me. It's not as harsh as it sounds. I sometimes liked what I saw, but it's really not a healthy way to live. I was living trapped inside myself and I was dying to get out.
So when I say I enjoyed repeating, it's a pretty big deal. I looked Kadambari in the eye, and was able to see her, and more importantly I let her see me. I was free from my former constraints. I noticed things, I went with my instincts, and most importantly I enjoyed myself. This whole eye contact thing is a bigger accomplishment than it may sound. I feel that when you look someone in the eye, and they look back at you, it is the most honest form on non verbal communication. There is something so vulnerable about it. You feel naked and exposed and can't hide. I really do think it's true, that the eyes are the windows to the soul. This made me think, when I have a conversation with someone I don't really make much eye contact. I'm either looking out into space, or something across the room, or even mindlessly fiddling with my phone. It was my way of hiding, as well as I think my way of allowing others to hide (I guess I was trying to be polite). This has also been my problem as an actress. Even when I would try to look at someone there would be something in my brain that would keep it from processing. It was like as soon as I made eye contact an alarm would go off that would tell my brain "uh oh- this is making you vulnerable" and it would go into lock down. I could literally have a whole scene with someone and not be able to tell you what they were wearing when I came off stage. I guess you could say I was looking but not seeing. This is something I encountered with How to Succeed. At first glance Hedy is nothing more than a slut (am I aloud to use that word?). But I don't like that word though because it over simplifies her. Hedy is like an onion. You have to peel her back layer by layer (which I think is true for any character). So, on the surface she is a flirtatious, slutty, bimbo however if you peel back a few layers you discover the reasons why she's this way. I believe one of these reasons being she is desperate for human affection. She just wants to connect with someone. To feel wanted and loved. Now how could I possibly play a part like that with my usual blindness? The answer is, I couldn't. I can't tell you how but I think I did it. I was able to forget about myself and put the attention on whoever I happened to be doing a scene with. I wasn't just looking, I was seeing. That's the key. Acting isn't acting, it's reacting. It's as simple as that. As I began to notice this change in my acting I also began to notice it in my life. Suddenly looking someone in the eye wasn't so scary.
Yes it's nice to say I've grown as an actress, but to say I've grown as a person... well I think that's even cooler.
So when I say I enjoyed repeating, it's a pretty big deal. I looked Kadambari in the eye, and was able to see her, and more importantly I let her see me. I was free from my former constraints. I noticed things, I went with my instincts, and most importantly I enjoyed myself. This whole eye contact thing is a bigger accomplishment than it may sound. I feel that when you look someone in the eye, and they look back at you, it is the most honest form on non verbal communication. There is something so vulnerable about it. You feel naked and exposed and can't hide. I really do think it's true, that the eyes are the windows to the soul. This made me think, when I have a conversation with someone I don't really make much eye contact. I'm either looking out into space, or something across the room, or even mindlessly fiddling with my phone. It was my way of hiding, as well as I think my way of allowing others to hide (I guess I was trying to be polite). This has also been my problem as an actress. Even when I would try to look at someone there would be something in my brain that would keep it from processing. It was like as soon as I made eye contact an alarm would go off that would tell my brain "uh oh- this is making you vulnerable" and it would go into lock down. I could literally have a whole scene with someone and not be able to tell you what they were wearing when I came off stage. I guess you could say I was looking but not seeing. This is something I encountered with How to Succeed. At first glance Hedy is nothing more than a slut (am I aloud to use that word?). But I don't like that word though because it over simplifies her. Hedy is like an onion. You have to peel her back layer by layer (which I think is true for any character). So, on the surface she is a flirtatious, slutty, bimbo however if you peel back a few layers you discover the reasons why she's this way. I believe one of these reasons being she is desperate for human affection. She just wants to connect with someone. To feel wanted and loved. Now how could I possibly play a part like that with my usual blindness? The answer is, I couldn't. I can't tell you how but I think I did it. I was able to forget about myself and put the attention on whoever I happened to be doing a scene with. I wasn't just looking, I was seeing. That's the key. Acting isn't acting, it's reacting. It's as simple as that. As I began to notice this change in my acting I also began to notice it in my life. Suddenly looking someone in the eye wasn't so scary.
Yes it's nice to say I've grown as an actress, but to say I've grown as a person... well I think that's even cooler.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
The Glass Menagerie...
The first day we read the script through. It was awkward. It was stiff. It was boring. To put it plain and simple, it was bad. But it was the first day, it's okay to be bad. In fact I think it's supposed to be. However, here we come to my first problem. I'll just be frank, I want to be good. I understand that I'm only human, and that acting is hard, and that if I was good all the time that would mean I am perfect which would mean I am boring. And if I'm boring how can I possibly be a good actress? Which I guess means that being bad is an inevitable part of being good. So, I know all this and yet as soon as I am handed a script there is a part of me that longs for the first words to come out of my mouth to be genius. I want to make clear that I'm not afraid to be bad. I can deal with failing at first, as long as I "try, try again" right? It just bothers me that it bothers me. It's not like it tortures me to the point where I run out crying or I can't sleep at night. It's not even close to that. It's just that little twinge in the back of my mind of the pit of my stomach and it's extremely annoying. I just wish that I could be one of those people who doesn't care. Who can just accept it, brush it off, and move on. Of course I do that. I can laugh at myself when I fall on my face, just not 100%. I guess this is me wanting to be perfect, because if it didn't bother me at all that's a level of perfection in a way. Perfection is defined as the condition, state or quality of being free or as free as possible from flaws and defects (the flaw in this case being self-criticism). So I care, a lot, but why does that have to be a bad thing. I want to be a good actress. I love it. It's my passion. It's what I want to for the rest of my life. If I didn't care I think I might have to rethink my career path. If I didn't care I wouldn't be human.
The one thing I have to be aware of is if this perfectionism (I hate that word) is going to be a road block for me. If it's simply going to drive me crazy then that's fine. We all have to suffer for our art right? But if it's going to discourage me and get in my way then that's a problem. Right now I don't think it's that severe. It'll just be something I'll have to deal with. The answer I think is turning my frustration into inspiration. If I think I'm bad, than that's just another reason to work even harder.
As far as my first impression of the scene goes, it was less than enthusiastic. Laura seemed pathetic and annoying. She was like a winey little 3 year old. I didn't really like her and was a little concerned about how I would play someone I didn't like. I mean does that even matter? I'm not sure. Do you need to like a character in order to play them? Is that necessary? I've always thought that that was very important. To be honest I've never played a character I didn't like. But what if you're playing the most evil villain, with no redeemable qualities, plotting to take over the world? Take Hitler for example. If you're cast as Hitler in a Broadway show I think it's safe to say that you don't like that character, but there's no way you're turning an opportunity like that down. So how do play a part that you don't like 8 shows a week? Well, I think I'm just thinking about it the wrong way. It's not so much "like" as it is "respect". It is the job of the actress to learn to "respect" some quality of her character. No matter how likable or unlikeable they may be, she has to remember that they are human. They have human thoughts and feelings just like anybody else, and it is not only her job to analyze and understand them, but to respect them. Of course this will be harder with some characters than it is with others (Looking back I had a harder time learning to respect Hedy than Chava, even without realizing it). But who ever said acting was easy? So whether I like Laura or not I have to respect her. Who knows though, maybe she'll grow on me?
The one thing I have to be aware of is if this perfectionism (I hate that word) is going to be a road block for me. If it's simply going to drive me crazy then that's fine. We all have to suffer for our art right? But if it's going to discourage me and get in my way then that's a problem. Right now I don't think it's that severe. It'll just be something I'll have to deal with. The answer I think is turning my frustration into inspiration. If I think I'm bad, than that's just another reason to work even harder.
As far as my first impression of the scene goes, it was less than enthusiastic. Laura seemed pathetic and annoying. She was like a winey little 3 year old. I didn't really like her and was a little concerned about how I would play someone I didn't like. I mean does that even matter? I'm not sure. Do you need to like a character in order to play them? Is that necessary? I've always thought that that was very important. To be honest I've never played a character I didn't like. But what if you're playing the most evil villain, with no redeemable qualities, plotting to take over the world? Take Hitler for example. If you're cast as Hitler in a Broadway show I think it's safe to say that you don't like that character, but there's no way you're turning an opportunity like that down. So how do play a part that you don't like 8 shows a week? Well, I think I'm just thinking about it the wrong way. It's not so much "like" as it is "respect". It is the job of the actress to learn to "respect" some quality of her character. No matter how likable or unlikeable they may be, she has to remember that they are human. They have human thoughts and feelings just like anybody else, and it is not only her job to analyze and understand them, but to respect them. Of course this will be harder with some characters than it is with others (Looking back I had a harder time learning to respect Hedy than Chava, even without realizing it). But who ever said acting was easy? So whether I like Laura or not I have to respect her. Who knows though, maybe she'll grow on me?
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Friday...
Friday was good. I think I would call it a breakthrough, well a small one at least. It's funny because I was exhausted, not feeling that great, and not really in the mood to be doing this. That was the key though.
When Andrew and I were working on the scene I was mostly focused on memorizing it so I would be able to perform it at 2:15 (and wouldn't get yelled at). I was tired and so I wasn't really focused on the "acting". I wasn't trying and that might have been the best thing I could've done. I didn't realize it at the time but this let me focus on Andrew and not worry about what I was doing. I wasn't concerned about being good and so I wasn't caught up with myself. For the first time in my life I wasn't over analyzing my every move and that was very refreshing. It felt free and easy. This also helped with something else... Nerves. I know it sounds silly because these are my friends but whenever I have to perform for STAC I get nervous. Sometimes nerves help me but other times they kill me. They make me freeze up and stiff and fake. It's the most frustrating thing in the world. A second before it will be fine, but once I'm in front of an audience it suddenly sucks. Of course this is a result of my "self analysis" and since I wasn't doing that here something strange happened. Something that I don't think ever happened before. When I was doing it for the class it was better (and easier even) than when we were doing it alone. I wasn't as aware of the audience as I usually am. Of course there was apart of me that wanted to perform for them and be "good" but even still, most of my attention was on Andrew. As I was doing the scene I didn't have this false sense of acting like I usually do. It didn't feel like acting at all. It was just me and Andrew having a conversation with words that weren't our own. I was truly present. I'm not really sure what else to say. I don't really think the answer is I have to be tired whenever I act. I wish there was an answer. Like a formula or something that I could use to get me to this place. Of course there is not. All I can do is try not to be so self-analytical, which will help me as an actress and a person.
When Andrew and I were working on the scene I was mostly focused on memorizing it so I would be able to perform it at 2:15 (and wouldn't get yelled at). I was tired and so I wasn't really focused on the "acting". I wasn't trying and that might have been the best thing I could've done. I didn't realize it at the time but this let me focus on Andrew and not worry about what I was doing. I wasn't concerned about being good and so I wasn't caught up with myself. For the first time in my life I wasn't over analyzing my every move and that was very refreshing. It felt free and easy. This also helped with something else... Nerves. I know it sounds silly because these are my friends but whenever I have to perform for STAC I get nervous. Sometimes nerves help me but other times they kill me. They make me freeze up and stiff and fake. It's the most frustrating thing in the world. A second before it will be fine, but once I'm in front of an audience it suddenly sucks. Of course this is a result of my "self analysis" and since I wasn't doing that here something strange happened. Something that I don't think ever happened before. When I was doing it for the class it was better (and easier even) than when we were doing it alone. I wasn't as aware of the audience as I usually am. Of course there was apart of me that wanted to perform for them and be "good" but even still, most of my attention was on Andrew. As I was doing the scene I didn't have this false sense of acting like I usually do. It didn't feel like acting at all. It was just me and Andrew having a conversation with words that weren't our own. I was truly present. I'm not really sure what else to say. I don't really think the answer is I have to be tired whenever I act. I wish there was an answer. Like a formula or something that I could use to get me to this place. Of course there is not. All I can do is try not to be so self-analytical, which will help me as an actress and a person.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
The best movies...
The best movies stick with you. They make make you think. They make you feel.
The best movies give. They aren't selfish. They let the audience take whatever it needs. No questions asked.
The best movies are not entertainment. They don't bring you into another world just so you can escape your own. They help you open your eyes. They don't let them glaze over while glued to the screen.
Silver Linings Playbook is one of those "best movies". Whenever I go see a movie I focus on the acting. When you watch good acting it's stupid not to try to study it. I mean why would anyone pass up a master class with Robert DeNiro for the reasonable price of $11. That's be ridiculous. For this movie though, I couldn't do that. I think it's pretty much considered a fact that Robert DeNiro is an amazing actor, and Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper aren't half bad themselves (they are all nominated for Oscars). Yet I couldn't sit there and simply be in awe of their acting. Watching their every move taking mental notes. I couldn't notice their acting. It doesn't mean I didn't appreciate it, and it doesn't mean I didn't like it, I'm actual trying to give a compliment. It's of course a testament to how great they all are. I guess if I wasn't able to notice their acting, that means that I really did believe them. But this is not a new observation for me. I've known for a while now that good acting isn't acting, it's sort of just being, which on a side note is the reason I really do hate that word. Acting. It's confusing, but anyway the point I'm trying to get at is I made a new observation. The reason the movie was such a success was because the actors were so generous. They were not selfish. They did not take. They gave all they had until they had nothing more to give. It's hard as an actor (or anyone with an ego) to not have a sense of "look at me!" when they are acting, especially when they are doing something great. It's like the whole idea behind a spot light. Its shining on the actor, so you can only look at him, you have no choice. Everything becomes about the actor. Now it's not exactly a bad thing, I would say it's more like a human thing. It can even be a good thing because it gives the actor command and power. The remarkable thing was the actors in this film weren't doing anything like that. They were feeding the film, not their egos. Not even a little bit. It's especially impressive for someone like Jennifer Lawrence who's an amateur compared to DeNiro, and to be in a scene with him and not to try to command any attention... Kind of amazing. She did not try to prove herself or even hold her own. She gave to him, and he gave in return. The selflessness of the actors was what made this film so remarkable.
The best part wasn't only that the spotlight wasn't on the actors, it was that the spotlight was on the audience. Pretty cool.
The best movies give. They aren't selfish. They let the audience take whatever it needs. No questions asked.
The best movies are not entertainment. They don't bring you into another world just so you can escape your own. They help you open your eyes. They don't let them glaze over while glued to the screen.
Silver Linings Playbook is one of those "best movies". Whenever I go see a movie I focus on the acting. When you watch good acting it's stupid not to try to study it. I mean why would anyone pass up a master class with Robert DeNiro for the reasonable price of $11. That's be ridiculous. For this movie though, I couldn't do that. I think it's pretty much considered a fact that Robert DeNiro is an amazing actor, and Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper aren't half bad themselves (they are all nominated for Oscars). Yet I couldn't sit there and simply be in awe of their acting. Watching their every move taking mental notes. I couldn't notice their acting. It doesn't mean I didn't appreciate it, and it doesn't mean I didn't like it, I'm actual trying to give a compliment. It's of course a testament to how great they all are. I guess if I wasn't able to notice their acting, that means that I really did believe them. But this is not a new observation for me. I've known for a while now that good acting isn't acting, it's sort of just being, which on a side note is the reason I really do hate that word. Acting. It's confusing, but anyway the point I'm trying to get at is I made a new observation. The reason the movie was such a success was because the actors were so generous. They were not selfish. They did not take. They gave all they had until they had nothing more to give. It's hard as an actor (or anyone with an ego) to not have a sense of "look at me!" when they are acting, especially when they are doing something great. It's like the whole idea behind a spot light. Its shining on the actor, so you can only look at him, you have no choice. Everything becomes about the actor. Now it's not exactly a bad thing, I would say it's more like a human thing. It can even be a good thing because it gives the actor command and power. The remarkable thing was the actors in this film weren't doing anything like that. They were feeding the film, not their egos. Not even a little bit. It's especially impressive for someone like Jennifer Lawrence who's an amateur compared to DeNiro, and to be in a scene with him and not to try to command any attention... Kind of amazing. She did not try to prove herself or even hold her own. She gave to him, and he gave in return. The selflessness of the actors was what made this film so remarkable.
The best part wasn't only that the spotlight wasn't on the actors, it was that the spotlight was on the audience. Pretty cool.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Scene Work...
This week I was forced to analyze scenes from How To Succeed. Unlike a lot of people I actually enjoy this stuff. It's tedious and frustrating but interesting and so valuable (and it makes me feel smart). I was meaning to do it from the start but it was a combination of laziness, fear, and confusion that was stopping me. So now I have it done for two scenes and I already have such a deeper understanding of my part. A brief character description: Hedy's dream is to become a big businesswoman . She is cleverly working her way to the top using sex. She is starting to take shape in my mind. I can see the way she walks, I can hear the way she talks, and I understand what she wants. Even more valuable than that, I understand what's going on in the scenes. It's shocking and a little embarrassing how clueless I've always been. Simply understanding the plot is not nearly enough. So here's the obstacle. You know the saying "the more I see the less I know"? I feel like the more I learn about acting and the more I analyze the script the harder it becomes. There's so much information to process and I can't seem to figure out how to apply my analysis to the scenes without over thinking and as a result completely shutting off. I always knew acting was hard but I never realized how much thinking there was involved. But thinking will be the death of me. As a person my problem is always thinking too much, and therefore I have the same problem as an actress. I think I have a remedy. I have to keep in mind that there's no one way to do something. Just because one approach doesn't work for me doesn't make me a bad actress. The greatest part is I already discovered something that works for me, subtext. Both the verbal and physical action (this really helped me with Chava last year). Somehow talking and moving inside my head helps me to get out of my head. I think it's partly because it makes it more fun. And now I have a way of applying the scene analysis. It gives me a starting point to derive my subtext from so it works for the scene. Of course my ultimate goal is for this to be simply a means of getting into it and once the scene takes off I will just go along with the ride. But if that doesn't happen that's okay. After all, a little thinking never hurt anybody.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
A reflection...
The acting workshop with Donald was a success but the performance was a failure. Why? It was more than a lack of rehearsal and performance jitters. Something went terribly wrong. The hard thing about this is that when you're in it it's hard to observe it, but after hearing some feedback I think I have a theory. The scale was too small. In the workshop we worked with a 6x6 ft. box but the stage we performed on was much bigger. It was like translating film acting to theatre theatre acting. The subtleties that worked well in the box simply did not read in the auditorium. Since we were not used to playing in such a big space, we got lost and the energy completely died. The performance was boring as an actor so I can't imagine what it was like for the audience. I'm not sure if this means that this technique is better suited for film or we just didn't apply it correctly. Maybe all we needed was a shot of expresso. I'm not exactly sure what the solution is but at least I have an idea of the problem.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
A sneak preview...
On Wednesday I got a sneak preview of what my college experience will be like. Well, really what the rest of my life will be like, but lets stay in the moment shall we? For the following blog post I am going to assume that I will be studying musical theatre in college, and then of course go on to have a successful broadway career. I understand that this is in no way, shape, or form a guarantee, but I am tired of second guessing myself. I am tired of saying "if" or "maybe", from now on it's only "when" and "why not?".
This Wednesday I attended a Dance convention at the Tiles Center. My day started off with an African Dance class, followed by lunch, a yoga class, an a judication, and finally a performance. I think what really struck me as "cool" (for lack of a better words) is that every single second I was there, whether it was in class, on stage, or in the dressing room, I truly felt like I belonged. I was meant to do this, all of it, everything in my being was designed for it. This was confirmed when I got home that evening. Usually after a day of school I come home exhausted. I am drained and empty, and all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. But when I got home on wednesday night, after a 13 hour day of dance, I couldn't have been more awake. I was charged like there was an electric current flowing through my body. Now I finally understand what Elton John was writing about (I am referring to Electricity form Billy Eliot). The purpose of life is to find what makes you feel alive, and just do it. It's as simple as that. I consider myself one of the lucky ones that I've discovered this so early on. Some may say that a career in the arts is unstable and unpredictable, but I beg to differ. I know, if I perform for the rest of my life, I am guaranteed happiness, and after that what else really matters.
So I really couldn't be more pleased with this sneak preview. If it is as accurate as I think, I am headed for a life of electricity, security, and happiness. Sounds great.
This Wednesday I attended a Dance convention at the Tiles Center. My day started off with an African Dance class, followed by lunch, a yoga class, an a judication, and finally a performance. I think what really struck me as "cool" (for lack of a better words) is that every single second I was there, whether it was in class, on stage, or in the dressing room, I truly felt like I belonged. I was meant to do this, all of it, everything in my being was designed for it. This was confirmed when I got home that evening. Usually after a day of school I come home exhausted. I am drained and empty, and all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch TV. But when I got home on wednesday night, after a 13 hour day of dance, I couldn't have been more awake. I was charged like there was an electric current flowing through my body. Now I finally understand what Elton John was writing about (I am referring to Electricity form Billy Eliot). The purpose of life is to find what makes you feel alive, and just do it. It's as simple as that. I consider myself one of the lucky ones that I've discovered this so early on. Some may say that a career in the arts is unstable and unpredictable, but I beg to differ. I know, if I perform for the rest of my life, I am guaranteed happiness, and after that what else really matters.
So I really couldn't be more pleased with this sneak preview. If it is as accurate as I think, I am headed for a life of electricity, security, and happiness. Sounds great.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Day 65...
Day 65: I am thankful that whenever you loose something it always has a way of coming back to you.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
My Confession...
My Confession: I like to write songs.
Although I can hardly call myself a "song writer", (I've only ever completed two songs- three if you count the one I wrote in third grade) it is something most people don't know about me. Maybe it's just never come up in conversation or maybe I'm just scared, I don't know. It's something that is an experience unlike any other. It is true creation. You are producing every aspect of it. When you're acting it's somebody else's words, when you're dancing it's somebody else's choreography, but when you're writing songs, it is all your own. It's cool. Also music seems to make everything make more sense. In song-form, things are easier to understand and feelings are easier to deal with. Like I said before I've only experienced this twice in my life, but I absolutely love it. I finished my second song several months ago and then out of fear, kind of just pushed it aside. I guess the next step would be to show people (other than my family) and I was simply not ready for that. Now I am, thanks to Molly. Molly has been writing songs as well and she is quit good. Today she shared a very personal song with me and if she can do it, so can I. The song is named Her. Disclaimer: It's not a true story, but since it came from my brain it must have some truth to it, right? I am taking baby steps, I am only posting the lyrics tonight, but I will definitely post a recording of it later on in the week (whether I want to or not). Here goes nothing...
Although I can hardly call myself a "song writer", (I've only ever completed two songs- three if you count the one I wrote in third grade) it is something most people don't know about me. Maybe it's just never come up in conversation or maybe I'm just scared, I don't know. It's something that is an experience unlike any other. It is true creation. You are producing every aspect of it. When you're acting it's somebody else's words, when you're dancing it's somebody else's choreography, but when you're writing songs, it is all your own. It's cool. Also music seems to make everything make more sense. In song-form, things are easier to understand and feelings are easier to deal with. Like I said before I've only experienced this twice in my life, but I absolutely love it. I finished my second song several months ago and then out of fear, kind of just pushed it aside. I guess the next step would be to show people (other than my family) and I was simply not ready for that. Now I am, thanks to Molly. Molly has been writing songs as well and she is quit good. Today she shared a very personal song with me and if she can do it, so can I. The song is named Her. Disclaimer: It's not a true story, but since it came from my brain it must have some truth to it, right? I am taking baby steps, I am only posting the lyrics tonight, but I will definitely post a recording of it later on in the week (whether I want to or not). Here goes nothing...
I, turn around and you take my picture,
Reach out my hand and say how do you do sir?
How is the weather? I’ve been better?
Tell me about your 365 letters,
That you sent when you went,
But the rain got them wet,
So you should go and catch her.
A picture’s worth a thousand words, but you can’t draw,
So you will write her forever.
But all you need are these three words, and it can hurt
But couldn’t say it any better.
Give, me the keys and I’ll turn the car on,
Hasn’t been long she can’t be very far gone.
Pen and paper, go out and get her,
I wouldn’t mind if you even wanted to play her,
That song that we heard that night
Though it wouldn’t feel right,
But you can go and get her.
A picture’s worth a thousand words, but you can’t draw,
So you will write her forever,
But all you need are these three words, and it may hurt
But couldn’t say it any better.
Just want to know if you still remember,
Decemeber 9th ,we spent it together
It was snowing, harder than ever,
And you told me, you could stay here forever.
But that’s not what you meant
Or maybe you forget
Or I’m just not her.
A picture’s worth a thousand words, but I can’t draw
So I will write you forever.
But all I need are these three words, and it will hurt
But couldn’t say it any better
Every now and then, I can’t help but wonder
Did you ever look at me the way you did her?
Could’ve been love or just bad timing?
Or maybe you and I were just pushing and trying,
Too hard at make believe,
Cause in the end you will leave,
To go and get her.
A picture's worth a thousand words, but I can't draw
So I will write you forever.
But all I need are these three words, and it will hurt
But couldn't say it any better
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)