I think its safe to say I'm having a little bit of trouble with this whole senior thing. I wish, more than anything, that I could be one of those people craving adventure. Someone who was drawn to the unknown, ready to say goodbye to the familiar. I wish, oh how I wish, that I was eager to close this final chapter of my high school career and set out to the real world. Most of all, I wish I wasn't scared. At this point I don't even know what I'm afraid of, but I think what makes the monsters in your closet so scary is that you don't know what they look like. And right about now I feel like I'm locked in that same closet with the monsters looking me straight in the eye, because even though I can't see them, they can sure as hell see me. The worst thing though is that its some outside force that is out my control. It's me. I'm the monster. I'm my own worst enemy. I really don't like this feeling. I don't want to judge my feelings. I want to embrace them and accept them, and learn to love them. But right about now I just want to take a vacuum and suck it out of myself. Of course I know I'm being over dramatic. I think most people feel this way. But that's not too comforting. Well maybe a little but it doesn't give me courage... because that's what I need. At least I think. Courage seems to be the answer to everything. If I had courage, all the amazing things that are about to happen to me wouldn't be scary, they would be exciting.
I'm sitting outside right now, and it's beautiful. The sunlight is shining softly on the grass, the breeze is gently blowing the trees, the crickets are quietly chirping, and the air is clear and crisp. On a day like today it is impossible not to be happy you're alive. Sitting in such a calm environment makes the mumbo jumbo hurricane of emotion in side of me seem almost silly. It truly sounds like the crickets are whispering to me, "Don't worry. Be happy". I think they're right. I simply have to decide not to worry, or at least in beautiful moments like these, wait to worry. In this moment I am going to remind myself of how lucky I am and of how amazing this year will be. It's easy to think of how scary, frightening, and overwhelming life is, but it's also wonderful! Lets take an average day in the life of Sabrina Kalman. I wake up (which is probably the worst part). I sit and eat breakfast with my mom, how can I complain? Then I'm driven to school instead of taking the bus, pretty cool huh? Once I'm at school the one class I can say I like the least is economics, and I get it over with first period. The rest of the day is as follows: Phycology, English, Environmental/Gym (which I could probably live without), Chamber, and of course STAC. STAC is one of the best parts of my day- and I'm not only saying this because this is my STAC blog. It's an outlet for all that mumbo jumbo I feel. It's a place where I can breathe and take the weight of the world off my shoulders. It's a place where I am completely myself, so much so, sometimes I surprise myself. I learn things about myself everyday, and the value of that is indescribable. STAC has given me the freedom and the courage to be me. Looking back at Sabrina four years ago, I can barely recognize her. Although sometimes I wish I could go back to freshman year, and live all of this again, I like who I am now better. I can't make this clear in one sentence so I'll give you a simple example. Freshman year I would not cry in front of others, now I will. It's confidence. Maybe that's why (or at least partly why) I am freaking out. I like my life. These past three years have been the best of all my 17. So really, why would I want to leave? I'm comfortable here. I like it here. People keep telling me how amazing college will be but it's an unknown, and as I already established I don't do well with that. The weird thing is I don't believe I can do it, but I know I can. Does that make any sense at all? Basically I need more faith. I have the logic. I just need to believe in myself more. A lot more. Which is strange because last year I was getting so good at that.
I have to say, writing this all down has made me feel better.
... But even still, in this calmness, I feel like I'm standing in the eye of the Hurricane- hopefully it won't be of the same magnitude as Sandy!
I'm sitting outside right now, and it's beautiful. The sunlight is shining softly on the grass, the breeze is gently blowing the trees, the crickets are quietly chirping, and the air is clear and crisp. On a day like today it is impossible not to be happy you're alive. Sitting in such a calm environment makes the mumbo jumbo hurricane of emotion in side of me seem almost silly. It truly sounds like the crickets are whispering to me, "Don't worry. Be happy". I think they're right. I simply have to decide not to worry, or at least in beautiful moments like these, wait to worry. In this moment I am going to remind myself of how lucky I am and of how amazing this year will be. It's easy to think of how scary, frightening, and overwhelming life is, but it's also wonderful! Lets take an average day in the life of Sabrina Kalman. I wake up (which is probably the worst part). I sit and eat breakfast with my mom, how can I complain? Then I'm driven to school instead of taking the bus, pretty cool huh? Once I'm at school the one class I can say I like the least is economics, and I get it over with first period. The rest of the day is as follows: Phycology, English, Environmental/Gym (which I could probably live without), Chamber, and of course STAC. STAC is one of the best parts of my day- and I'm not only saying this because this is my STAC blog. It's an outlet for all that mumbo jumbo I feel. It's a place where I can breathe and take the weight of the world off my shoulders. It's a place where I am completely myself, so much so, sometimes I surprise myself. I learn things about myself everyday, and the value of that is indescribable. STAC has given me the freedom and the courage to be me. Looking back at Sabrina four years ago, I can barely recognize her. Although sometimes I wish I could go back to freshman year, and live all of this again, I like who I am now better. I can't make this clear in one sentence so I'll give you a simple example. Freshman year I would not cry in front of others, now I will. It's confidence. Maybe that's why (or at least partly why) I am freaking out. I like my life. These past three years have been the best of all my 17. So really, why would I want to leave? I'm comfortable here. I like it here. People keep telling me how amazing college will be but it's an unknown, and as I already established I don't do well with that. The weird thing is I don't believe I can do it, but I know I can. Does that make any sense at all? Basically I need more faith. I have the logic. I just need to believe in myself more. A lot more. Which is strange because last year I was getting so good at that.
I have to say, writing this all down has made me feel better.
... But even still, in this calmness, I feel like I'm standing in the eye of the Hurricane- hopefully it won't be of the same magnitude as Sandy!
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